mad, mad mission

dazed and tired

2010-02-15T12:16:00.003-05:00

1.30.10
daniel asked me to marry him, and i said yes
he incorporated things i love
and made it a wonderfully memorable day

getting campy

2010-01-26T17:19:00.003-05:00

2 friday nights ago the stars aligned and provided a warm(ish) january weekend forecast. daniel and i took advantage of said forecast and took my little sister out for her first camping experience. yes it was cold, but she loved it, and thus i did, too. although it is one of the worst sleeps i've had on record :)
it's all part of the adventure.

Winter Weekends

2010-01-15T16:35:00.006-05:00

another weekend. how i love them.
snow and lotsofcoffee and resting and movies and breakfast and sweatpants and comfort food....

new traditions

2010-01-12T20:51:00.006-05:00

blind lemon and skyline the night after Christmas
making pizza and going ice skating on new year's eve

embracing whimsy

2010-01-07T14:48:00.003-05:00

i figured if i'm going to keep this blog, i need to take some steps toward updating it. 2009 was a year full of goodness. so here's a (very) small sampling of what the year entailed.

my hope for 2010:
"I asked Bob what was the key to living such a great story, and Bob seemed uncomfortable with the idea he was anything special. But he wanted to answer my question, so he thought about it and said he didn't think we should be afraid to embrace whimsy. I asked him what he meant by whimsy, and he struggled to define it. He said it's that nagging idea that life could be magical; it could be special if we were only willing to take a few risks."
-Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

and even breathing feels alright

2009-06-28T11:03:00.006-04:00

Isaiah 40

¹Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.
²Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and cry to her
that her warfare is ended,
that her iniquity is pardoned,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
double for all her sins.

³ A voice cries: "In the wilderness prepare the way of the LORD;
make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
⁴ Every valley shall be lifted up,
and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
and the rough places a plain.
⁵ And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed,
and all flesh shall see it together,
for the mouth of the LORD has spoken."

i don't know if you can dance, if the thought ever occurred to you

2009-05-29T23:40:00.000-04:00

You don't have to move that mountain

2009-05-25T10:18:00.003-04:00

I'm reading "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light." I've put it off for a year, afraid of the convicting words I would find inside. It has only been encouragement and caused stirring in my soul. Every few pages I read I am left with food for thought...

"In the silence of the heart, God speaks." (32)

"When I see someone sad, I always think, she is refusing something to Jesus." (33)

"Why does Jesus say, 'I thirst?' What does it mean? Something so hard to explain in words-... 'I thirst' is something much deeper than just Jesus saying 'I love you.' Until you know deep inside that Jesus thirsts for you- you can't begin to know who He wants to be for you. Or who He wants you to be for Him." (42)

"The more we trust Him- the more He will do." (62)

Such simple, profound statements; like her love and work for the Lord.

"But we have this treasure in jars or clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you." 2 Cor. 4:7-12

if she wanna rock she rocks

2009-05-19T17:05:00.011-04:00

it's been a good past couple of weekends. and now i'm in the midst of a 3-day-er. wahoo. love that.

in recent history, i ran the flying pig marathon and the cleveland half. two weeks apart. the marathon was great- good weather, lots of friends along the route, and i felt good almost all the way through. i kept waiting for the disabling pain or the massive wall, but neither happened. i really enjoyed the course, too. maybe because it felt homey, maybe because it's beautiful, maybe because there were so many cheering faces, and lots of those familiar. i love races. and then two weeks later i was up in cleveland, running the half with jillian. it was great- beautiful morning and we just enjoyed and took it easy- i was still feeling a lot of leftovers from the marathon. we talked for 13 miles and then rehashed with post-run bagels, which are the best kind of bagel.

after the marathon my foot was hurting pretty bad. someone suggested it could be a fracture, and i panicked, mainly because i didn't want to have to stop running. it has become something i love to do, and in the post-race weeks of rest and recovery i haven't felt quite right, not being able to go out and run in the way i'm so used to now. i am so thankful for it. and i don't think my foot is fractured, which i'm also thankful for :)

boston for the springtime

2009-04-21T19:00:00.003-04:00

"If one could run without getting tired, I don't think one would often want to do anything else."
-CS Lewis, The Last Battle

i went to boston this weekend to visit friends and cheer friends on in the boston marathon. i was excited for a reunion and a couple of days away from work and hopefully receiving some inspiration for the marathon i'll be running in just under 2 weeks.

i was definitely inspired! it made me want to run hard and finish well; for my first marathon my goal was solely to finish. this training season has been a difficult one, but the past month or so things have felt better and i have been able to enjoy my runs. being in the race atmosphere and surrounded by the running subculture made me glad for sticking with the training even when i questioned it. for this race i'm going to try running with a pace group at a pace i know i can do, and perhaps be able to speed up towards the end if need be, once i know what i have left. oh i'm excited.

this weekend was one of those times when there was a lot on my brain. i think there's been a lot on my brain for a while now, which is probably partly why i so needed some time away from work. i feel refreshed enough to return to the work i do- i'm so fortunate that i enjoy my coworkers so much. it makes the days bearable when they otherwise may not be. i've been wondering if i'm being called out of this job and into something different. it certainly seems that i am, with all the upcoming changes in my surroundings, as well as the changes within. but in being called out the question is what am i called into?

a few weeks back i was repeatedly hearing the story of the prodigal son. and in it the brother's reaction to his father's celebration seemed to strike me. i felt like i could identify a lot with that brother. he says to his father, "'Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!'" (luke 15:29-30). but the father responds to him, "'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.'" (31)

Richard Foster says that "As we enter the school of inner renunciation we come into that state in which nothing belongs to us and yet everything is available to us." (Money, Sex and Power) i've been asking God to help me understand what that means, that all that is His is ours, and what my part in that is.

and it's been hard to for me to figure out where i stand in what seems to be a discord between obedience and rejoicing. Foster said "Perhaps our fears keep us from the joyful life of trust-we need those who will prod us into faith." we sang an old song this weekend whose words rang in my heart: "one thing i ask, and i would seek, to see your beauty, to find you in the place your glory dwells."

all in all my head spins with questions. what am i called into? what is the most obedient, life-giving thing i can do? i'm really not sure right now. but i'm taking it a day at a time, asking for grace in the midst and that i can do the work set out for me each day.

"'Beloved,' said the Glorious One, 'unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek.'" -Aslan, The Last Battle

i love to laugh

2009-03-31T17:52:00.001-04:00

are we different

2009-03-08T10:42:00.003-04:00

"Be so careful that you don't spend your life fighting for what you want."
-Francis Chan, Is Suffering Optional

I've had some good running experiences lately. Thursday night I ran and it was so refreshing and needed. It was getting harder and harder to get out with the fierce cold winds blowing and to run for hours. So Thursday was not a long run, and it was about 65 degrees and I felt good. This training has had more bad runs than I've ever had before, which makes me thankful for the good ones. And while running I listened to the podcast I linked above, and it was strange how encouraged I was by it. Because his words were hard and scary, but true. I feel like I'm being taught about suffering, about the way it's spoken of in scripture and what I have to do with it. The first few times I heard things like theologies of suffering and the like, I felt like I was getting punched in the stomach. But I continue to hear it, and ask that I would be convinced as well of the promises that accompany the suffering.

So that was Thursday. Yesterday I had a 17 mile run scheduled, and I get so nervous before those runs. Anything over 13 sounds daunting. And I didn't drink enough water, and had friends over for a breakfast that left me feeling terribly sluggish (although it was good while it lasted:). So my first 5 or 6 miles were just awful. It felt so hot, since last Saturday it was about 60 degrees colder than yesterday. And the bottoms of my feet were numb, and I was so thirsty! Everyone I passed seemed to be carrying a large bottle of water.

Tangent:

I'm reading this book called What is the What, by Dave Eggers. It's about this guy from Sudan who became one of the walking boys when Sudanese villages were attacked by the murahaleen. He walked for months to Ethiopia and has seen an unfathomable amount of terror and tragedy. So I just read the part about their walking, about going through the dessert and not having water or food for days at a time, being so sick and still walking. And it's really troubled me, thinking about little children not having food and water and walking... I got upset the other night when I threw away 3/4 of an onion because I wasn't going to use it, but somewhere in the world it could sustain a life.

So while running, so thirsty and numb feet and already tired but knowing I had about 12 miles to go, I started thinking about the walking boys. And then i started thinking about the beattitudes, blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God, those who mourn for they will be comforted.... And somehow I brought this season of lent into it, too. And thought about how this training has been such a disciplined time for me, and how I have been asking God that He would allow me to run these miles, because there have been several longer runs where I feel incapable. So I started feeling like this time of running can teach me about reliance on God and reflecting on/praying for God's children who suffer daily and involuntarily.

So I was listening to this song that says "You are my joy" over and over again, and I was starting to feel better. My feet were un-numbing and there was wind at my back, and I was coming to the top of a hill that leads to a downgrade. And I look to my right, and there's a water fountain. Oh my goodness I was so happy! And I felt like it was so small, the actual event, but the significance was huge to me.

Later in that same run, about 3 miles from home, I was again crazy thirsty. I went into a UDF and noted no water fountains. So I went into the bathroom and when I washed my hands... I slurped water from the bathroom sink. Heheh. I was desperate.

Oh and I finished the 17.

time keeps moving from a crawl to a run

2009-02-21T15:53:00.003-05:00

a few weekends ago i drove to st. louis to visit courtney. the drive down was really beautiful, the world was all snow and ice and the sunset was incredible. i took some pictures from behind the wheel, which never capture the majesty of what you can see with your eyes, but i tried :)

the weather today reminds me of the dementors in harry potter.

i've been tired a lot lately. maybe partly from all the running; i could really go for a massage these days :) but i think too just from what lies ahead. i am facing decisions: moving out, moving on and what that looks like.... and the thought of it, the feeling of needing to be vigilant but also feeling somewhat resigned is an exhausting concoction. one minute i am making decisions with abandon, the next i want none of it. it's funny (in a twisted way) to see how much you appreciate and love when you begin to picture leaving it.

i was talking to a friend one night about a week ago, trying to summon the required something to send an email that could set change in motion. i was talking it out, and began to get way ahead of myself: talking about the logisitics and the realities and the difficulties of the day to day if these changes were to take place. she stopped me mid-thought and asked me if God had given me enough grace to send an email, because that's all i needed to do that day. and He had, and i did, and nothing exploded. i was refreshed and reminded that things are sustained in the day to day, and trying to solve something six months to a year from now that is unseen is fruitless.

i'm still working on not getting ahead of myself :)

be ok

2009-01-23T16:46:00.003-05:00

it is about 50 degrees today. and sunny. i joked with a client yesterday about taking advantage of the sunny day; "we only get three of these, you know." but the cold and the gray were starting to feel a bit oppressive, so it's nice to have a bit of relief, even if it's short lived. when it gets to this time of the year, my mind typically wanders to beaches and warm climates.

i was reading donald miller's post about his new puppy and his thoughts during being snowed in. his final thought is this,
"P.S. Before you leave this post thinking you should be more like Lucy, I should disclose Lucy often stares into blank space and barks as though she is looking at a ghost (I call it her Hamlet monologue, often saying back to her “is that a dagger you see before you?”) and she also eats her own poo. Purity comes at a price."
it reminded me of something a friend said a couple nights ago at house church. she was noticing that her dog seemed to sleep more and eat and eat and eat... including her poo... when she had had less excercise and attention. my friend just thought it was interesting, and so did i.

i did early outreach this morning for work... often i wish i had my camera with me while i'm out. this morning the scene that struck me was the roebling bridge set against a soft pink turned pale purpley-blue winter sky and a sliver of a crescent moon off to the side. it was really lovely.

inní mér syngur vitleysingur

2009-01-18T20:33:00.004-05:00

it's a new year. has been for about 3 weeks so i thought, if i am to continue my blog, i should probably post something. i tend to post least when there's most on my mind. i get all muddled and can't get out a nice succinct thought, so i refrain. and that's how i am right now- i've got a lot on the brain. so, for now, we'll enjoy a nice photo from the blind lemon, a cozy little bar that i've had many an enjoyable evening in.

Comfy and Cozy are we

2008-12-20T13:08:00.003-05:00

"Even the good plans of wise wizards like Gandolf and of good friends like Elrond go astray sometimes when you are off on dangerous adventures over the Edge of the Wild." -The Hobbit

I just never know when the mood to blog will hit. So, here I sit, fully dressed for my run, and a bit sidetracked. Lucky for me the middle of the day is warmest this time of year :) I'm trying to up my running, distance (and maybe speed, if I'm truly diligent) in preparation for a spring marathon. And I mean it this time, heheh.

I've been home from Thailand for a little less than two weeks. The longer I'm home, the more the trip becomes fond memories, and I find myself missing things that I didn't even acknowledge as significant. Statements like "the grass is always greener," and "you always want what you don't have" really embody themselves in me :) It's not a deep, take me back there nostalgia, but more of a surprising, I never thought I would miss that, type feeling. I'm sure a part of that has to do with spending 24 hours a day with a true friend, one who you can be with or be alone with, one who shares similar thoughts and feelings about things, so whether you say it or not, you know they're thinking it. So nice.

So, all in all, it was a great trip. We had no expectations, but there were hopes, like the trip being good, and it was. The day I left, my roommate prayed for me and the trip. She said she didn't really know how to pray for it, but asked that I would feel God's love for me and that it would be whatever it needed to. Such a simple prayer, but so meaningful to me. On one of our layovers Jill and I reflected on the idea that both of us feel God's love for others fairly naturally, but His love for us is something more known than felt consistently. It was an interesting realization and a wondering of how to, or if you can, go about finding that feeling.

I think that God did reveal His love for us in this time. It was different than I have previously felt, and less of an experience... more of a constant peace and reassurance. I felt His love through His provision. During the trip things were really vague; day to day we'd wake and wonder what was in store. And halfway through we experienced a slight setback when the airport was besieged by protesters and shut down indefinitely, stranding us in Bangkok. I ended up missing 7 days of work and our 11 day trip in Thailand became 22. But God met unanticipated needs that kept our frustrations and panics at bay. I had a precious friend, a merciful employer and a gracious host family, as well as loved ones from home offering everything from money to overnight shipment of books and underwear :)

So my fresh from the trip takeaway is a refreshed perspective of God's love for me as well as a renewed love for things here, where I am for now. I've been starry eyed about cold runs and being cussed out by my clients, and look forward to a Holiday season with my family (including a late Thanksgiving Day dinner!) and spending time with friends I love.

Huzzah for time away :) I highly recommend entrapment.

A Thai Adventure

2008-12-14T16:46:00.002-05:00

you mus' not know

2008-11-16T10:29:00.001-05:00

Jigsaw falling into place

2008-10-25T10:40:00.004-04:00

In 23 days I'll be beginning the multiple flights with the end destination of Chiang Mai, Thailand. I'll be traveling with one of my dearest friends, Jill. She and I both spent time overseas during the same season, and often daydreamed about what it would be like to be working together in those faraway places. We'll be traveling for 2 weeks, visiting ministries and hopefully doing a little sightseeing. We'll be staying in a home for mothers and children as well as a guest house in Bangkok, where we'll hopefully be able to visit some street-style/relational ministries.

I've wanted to see Asia for a while now, and I'm not entirely sure why. I have friends that simply love it, and it makes me think I would too. This trip has been a while in the making, maybe a year long process of daydream turned reality. And Thailand has kind of chosen us: we contacted a number of ministries in Southeast Asia and received only one response from those contacts. So to Thailand we will go!

I like to look at this opportunity as a way not only to explore and allow God to show me what He seems to be trying to, but also to encourage those ministries that exist in those hard places.

This is one of those things that is a part of the jigsaw, I think. I don't know what to expect from this trip and haven't formed an agenda for the time as far as what will come out of it. But I'm excited for the opportunity and doing my best to abide in Him and know that whatever the outcome, apart from Him I can't do anything.

if you want me to...

2008-10-01T16:56:00.003-04:00

this past weekend my rooms and i went to akron to visit our dear friend, jill. it was a weekend of celebrating fall and friendship and i came home refreshed. on friday afternoon i got a text from jill asking if i was interested in going for a run on saturday, which i was. she then asked how i would feel if it were to be a part of the akron marathon :) apparently her family had planned to run the marathon as a relay team and no one but her brother was prepared. so, we quickly assembled a 5 person relay and did it! it was fun to run a race again, i hadn't since last october, and i'd never run a relay... it's definitely more complicated but provides a fun "communal" aspect to things. and it was a lovely day. so, all in all, good times in akron.

on sunday morning we visited the church jill is a part of and they had a guest speak, tom randall. his message was so encouraging and challenging that i wanted to share it. or listen here. perhaps it was one of those things where what someone is saying is relevant to me but not to you, but i'm not sure... everyone i was sitting with was able to identify their risk afterward. so, listen in and let's get risky. i think you cyclists will enjoy it, he has a cool riding story :)

hearing tom speak made me think of what it would be like to receive letters from paul as a church. how inspiring it is to hear stories of what God is doing in the life of a friend who has chosen to follow Him closely and take risks that perhaps others haven't. i'm reading Life on the Vine by Philip Kenneson in house church and just finished the chapter on joy. he talks about God's people pursuing something different than what the culture says will make you happy. and he talks about re-imagining life according to scripture.
he says,
"I am firmly convinced that one of the greatest obstacles to living the Christian life in contemporary society is an impoverished imagination. Most of us will find it difficult to live a life we cannot imagine. (This, by the way, is the same principle that makes advertising so effective: ads help you imagine what your life would be like with such and such a product.) But how will we imagine a life different from the one we are currently living if we do not immerse ourselves in a different set of narratives that display life and its purposes differently?" p.76

perhaps this all just speaks loudly to what i've been thinking about and working through. perhaps it is something we are always working through.

oh, what is love?

2008-09-24T21:38:00.004-04:00

Kim Taylor has a new album. Check it out here... specifically "Lamb."

i am not skilled to understand

2008-09-21T14:48:00.005-04:00

"That walk I now remembered. It seemed to me that I had tasted heaven then. If only such a moment could return! But what I never realized was that it had returned-that the remembering of that walk was itself a new experience of just the same kind. True, it was desire, not possession. But then what I had felt on the walk had also been desire, and only possession in so far as that kind of desire is itself desirable, is the fullest possession we can know on earth; or rather, because the very nature of Joy makes nonsense of our common distinction between having and wanting. There, to have is to want and to want is to have. Thus, the very moment when I longed to be so stabbed again, was itself again such a stabbing."
-Surprised by Joy, C.S. Lewis

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.
John 15:9-11

i am a poster girl with no poster

2008-08-18T19:43:00.005-04:00

i had a birthday last week. birthdays are not very much fun as a grown up, i've decided. i did much the same thing on "my day" as any other day: spent some time checking someone into the emergency room, meeting someone on the psych floor and telling someone to stop eating out of the trash and here is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. i did go to house church, which ended up being a wonderful end to a very normal day. our group has "birthday prayers," where we pray silently for the birthday individual for a while, and then we come back together to share what we prayed, thought, pictured in that time. and those things are written in a card to remember.

one of the most significant prayers/pictures that a friend shared began with this verse:
"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Phil. 4:4-7
and then she said she pictured me running hard after something... what she wasn't sure.
i hope that that is true of this next year, that i run hard after the Lord and that i rejoice and am reasonable and that i am not anxious but prayerful. doesn't that sound nice? :)

i also had a pre-birthday dinner with my family and a post-birthday dinner with friends. overall, combined with well wishes and prayers for another year of life, my birthday was quite lovely, and i felt so thankful for the relationships i've been given.

i also went to lake cumberland for the weekend. my friend meredith's parents have a condo there. meredith left for heaven in april, and we haven't seen her family since her memorial service. so the weekend was a good chance to love and encourage her parents and husband and to enjoy one another. the weather's been amazing lately, and i was with three of my dearest friends, so it was a delightful time. it was hard to be somewhere and physically feel mere's absence- since she'd lived in south carolina and indiana since we've graduated, i didn't see her frequently. but to be among people who naturally were associated with her, it was a very clear void. we were able to remember a lot, and grieve and share together, and hopefully to heal and grow.

so, on with another year of lessons and growing pains and sorrows and joys. let it be so.

Stronger

2008-08-08T17:32:00.003-04:00

so i saw this last night. so cool.

my roomie and i watched the so you think you can dance finale and harry potter. it was a genius night of entertainment :)
i'm looking forward to a weekend with friends. i was pretty exhausted by the end of the day today- sometimes the weeks are so draining, and i got good and yelled at yesterday afternoon by a man i'd never met who blamed me for all of the structural injustices that exist in social services... so, needless to say, i was ready for a weekend.
a friend from high school will be in cinci tomorrow night and we're all going to a reds' game. and then sunday jess and i are headed to columbus to see our beloved jilleybean.
should be a good weekend. and the amazing weather can't hurt! it makes me excited for fall.

"Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy." -Albus Dumbledore

lightness has a call that's hard to hear

2008-07-30T20:52:00.005-04:00

"Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward." -Kierkegaard

"'What if, you know, if we just give in to it, and say this is what it is, then it gets good, and it's the fighting it that makes it so bad.'" p.192
...
"'Maybe we are just supposed to trust that (God) won't beat us up when we get there. Maybe we are supposed to trust that He is good.'" p.193
...
"...when you only ask how and never ask why, you can be happy and ignorant." p.194
-Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts

"Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it"
"Closer to Fine." Indigo Girls

check out The Weepies' song "Simple Life." simply delightful.

i watched bella the other night. i think it is now one of my favorite movies... so beautiful, the colors, the emotions, i loved it. i'd seen almost all of it about a month ago, but i watched the whole thing tonight and it's wonderful.

two weekends ago i attended a training weekend for the organization servants to asia's urban poor. it was refreshing, and the pieces seem to be coming together. it was so nice to realize i do want to live like this! and to be told that that is not exactly a typical reaction.... to know that it really is something i've been called to. plus i made lots of new friends, which is always fun.

i bought a bicycle! i think it is pretty dang cute.

i've been housesitting for a week. it's made me think two things: i never want to live in a suburb again and i never want to have a big house. it's so much effort! i can't wait to get back to my little apartment.

apologies for this being all over the place. it's been a while :)

i'm a new soul

2008-07-12T18:39:00.005-04:00

My Courtney MeMe'd me... I love her.

Here are the rules:
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

***

1. I fixate on misspellings and misused apostrophes.
2. I wish that life had background music... like in the movies.
3. I used to want to be a fashion buyer, hence the marketing degree.
4. I used to tell my younger sister that commercials fast forwarded if they were on mute.
5. I had the flu in college and during my sickness I wondered if all of my housemates were actually bits of me- like multiple personalities.
6. I am very smell-oriented.
7. I got my nose pierced 2 months after I adamantly said I would never do anything of the sort.

I MeMe Ashlyn, Abby and Emily. I think everyone else has already done it. :)

turn off the car, breathe the air...

2008-07-08T17:38:00.003-04:00

hmm....

there is a me you would not recognize

2008-07-01T18:08:00.003-04:00

i saw shane claiborne and chris haw speak last week, touring with their book Jesus for President. the psalters were there, too. it was pretty cool.

i also had lunch with a friend last week that was very refreshing. i guess the peace and balance she spoke from were, for me, inspirational. she made me want to take myself and my decisions less seriously, to be faithful in life, and to enjoy it and live it.

over the weekend i watched this documentary:

watch it, it'll make you think. you can borrow mine.

and sunday was father's day. for my dad and me :) i had planned a day with dad that, aside from locking my keys in my car, was a success. we went to a yummy mexican place and then to the taft museum, where one of my recent favorites, kim taylor, was playing for free in the garden. i love her. go see her live and you probably will too.

so, that's my catch up.

"I think we are supposed to stand in deserts and marvel at how the sun rises. I think we are supposed to sleep in meadows and watch stars dart across space and time. I think we are supposed to love our friends and introduce people to the story, to the peaceful, calming why of life. I think life is spirituality....
I mean, life is just life.... ...we aren't going to be any more complete a month from now than we are now."
- Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts

reasons why

2008-06-14T19:32:00.002-04:00

"It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.
Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."
Through Painted Deserts, Donald Miller

i came home early today to screaming trees and a week's worth of mail. i was looking through a magazine and saw an ad that read something like "isn't it funny how 'i can't wait to get there always becomes i can't wait to get home." and it is funny. or something. i have missed my bed this past week, and clean laundry, my apartment and other little things. if i had had those things with me, if i could teleport them back to this past week, i may never have come home.

it's interesting how natural vacation is. it doesn't take any getting used to. and in the midst of it you see it's necessity, and it's underrated status in our world of constantly going. this past week was a week of pure goodness, and i am so glad for it.

i met courtney in boston and we stayed with our friend kendra, except for one night when we stayed with courtney's old friend bashir in nyc. it was so nice to feel so welcome and comfortable with old and new friends who opened their homes to us with nothing but generosity.

we went to the beach and got ice cream, explored cities and ate good food, drank lots of coffee, iced and hot. we ran in both disgustingly hot and beautifully cool weather. we looked in shops, saw movies, and talked a lot. we were good about doing and not; about taking advantage of our freedom by both sleeping in and going and doing. i'd say we did a pretty good job of vacationing.

it was a good week of perspective. it's best to gain that, i think, when outside the situation. you can see what's truly valuable and what you miss, and you can see what things are hard or what has been forced for so long, purely out of routine. it is good to talk through those things with your best friend, especially when their heart seems so much in tune with yours. it is funny to talk about those things through tears on a bus leaving chinatown, surrounded by other languages and weird snoring sounds. it is nice to talk through those things and then listen to music, and to hear songs that speak what you have been saying. it is nice to read what you're thinking printed wittily in a book.

i let go of some things this week and made some refreshing realizations. and some scary, i have no control over that, ones. i saw from a new window what pounds in my heart.

it was a wonderful, glorious week, filled with pursuing joy and celebrating friendship.
thanks, friend. it was so good.
now back to figuring out what's next....

get yourself in this race

2008-05-27T16:41:00.003-04:00

decision time is upon me and i have made mine. the other day i was running, perhaps the best day running-wise of the year: cool and sunny, just lovely. and i decided that yes, i will be running another marathon this fall.

allow me to say, excercise is a wonderful form of medicine. it is therapeutic, it keeps you feeling good and in shape... just read this guy's recent article.

i was thinking about how good running has been for me: my mom has even offered to help pay for races because she's seen such positive shifts in my confidence levels and things like that. i was thinking (that's what i do when i run) about how so many people would probably benefit so much from something like it....
so, i highly recommend some kind of activity, if only to maintain some balance in life. i'm not saying go run marathons (my doctor always gives me a bit of trouble), but i am saying, as a person who never thought of herself as athletic or definitely not endurance-y :), that i have seen many, many positive reasons to continue running. just don't discredit yourself. think positively, ask questions, keep trying, do some research, buy some good equipment and do it!

i don't know what i'm doing that for

2008-05-23T17:57:00.002-04:00

"No one may claim the name of Christian and be comfortable in the face of hunger, homelessness, insecurity, and injustice found in this country and the world."
-from the Pastoral Letter on Catholic Social Teaching and the U.S. Economy Issued by the National Conference of Catholic Bishops, November 13, 1986

i stole this from a friend's facebook profile.
i've been thinking about it all week.

i had a dream last night that i went with some friends to brazil. i remember feeling elated and saying, "this is my favorite place in the whole world."

consider, even, the lilies

2008-05-21T20:07:00.004-04:00

i've been thinking lately a lot about God's goodness and provision.

i had some hard weeks. i didn't like a lot of things and i lacked hope. it seemed that God kept piling things one on top of another. and each thing was heavier: loneliness, frustration, death, hopelessness....

i had a conversation with a friend somewhere in the middle of all of that, and she had had a similar time of loneliness about a year ago. she said that in it, she claimed and gave it to God, saying to Him that she would trust Him, for as long as it would last, and that she would hope in Him to get her through it. and now, the same time this year, she is probably experiencing one of the happiest times in her life.

at the same time the onset of all of this hurt set in was when i was rereading donald miller's searching for God knows what. it was a good reminder and time of reflection on why i felt the way i did and how i was interpreting things. i was feeling sorry for myself because i didn't seem to have the attention and value of others. but miller's book reminded me that the only approval i needed to be seeking was the Lord's, and that yes community was important but that it wasn't going to solve my problems or dictate my worth.

i was thankful for that reminder, and it lifted me somewhat out of the gloom, only to enter into again in a different way with the loss of my friend.

but let me just say, our God is faithful.
even one month after losing meredith and probably four months of fairly consistent sadness, i am already seeing the lessons God is teaching me come to fruition. i feel renewed in my love for others, in my energy to meet needs, in my ability to laugh and think about hard things and speak with honesty and love about them.

God has renewed me. i feel lighthearted, and am begging Him to allow it for a time. I am asking for guidance on finding a balance between giving my time to others and spending time alone with Him. i see with new clarity and certainty my need for God alone, and my desire to grow in that.

i am praying for something upcoming, i hope. God has put on my heart a call so deep that nothing else shakes it- a call to bring justice and hope to his children around the world. he has given me a love for simplicity and beauty in life over one of abundance and complexity, and i long to be able to better practice those desires.

it's interesting, i just read someone's blog and she had posted my most favorite passage from the Chroncles of Narnia, in Voyage of the Dawn Treader. i've been thinking about it a lot lately, and hope you'll enjoy it, too:

"And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg. So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good.

Then the Lion said- 'you will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

The very first tear he made so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know- if you've ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like a billy-oh but it is fun to see it coming away....

Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off- just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt- and there it was, only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly looking than the others had been. And there I was as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me- I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on- and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again. You'd think me simply phoney if I told you how I felt about my own arms. I know they've no muscle and are pretty mouldy compared with Caspian's, but I was so glad to see them."

i wanna yearn

2008-05-19T17:51:00.003-04:00

where to begin? sometimes i get overwhelmed by everything and so i slack off in blogging only because i can't put it all to words. but i want to try.

1. i came home last week one day to mail. a card, at that. i love snail mail... maybe partly because all i ever get is bills and stuff from world vision reminding me that the world is falling apart. and of course because it communicates that someone took time to think about you and do that! but yeah, a very beautiful card and glorious mix cd greeted me when i arrived home one day. yay for soulmates.

2. work continues to be good. i know no one really cares, but i do! i come home each day so thankful. i took a girl to an appointment today and it was so fun that we were trying to figure out what other things she "needs" to go to, so we can hang out more. :)

3. prince caspian. i saw the new narnia film on saturday with my seesters and it was really fun. i think they did a better job than the first one (but i haven't read them in a while....) the depiction of lucy's needing aslan and looking for him although he seemed to have abandoned narnia was wonderful. clive staples is a genius.

4. i went to a symposium on violence in the community last wednesday night. it was really cool, hearing about people in important positions care about people that no one seems to be concerned for- the dope boys, the gang members, the kids of the inner city. it got me so pumped up. my only lament with things like that is i want to strategize following the discussion, like everyone say what they're gonna do besides talk about the problem, and let's go do it! oh i am such a dreamer. but it was refreshing nonetheless.

5. church was great yesterday, very practical. the head pastor is reading a book about what non-Christians think of Christians. it's so sad, but i understand it. the church seems to be a sleeping giant. i have been energized lately because a guy from the church works at the homeless shelter around the corner from me; it's like having a partner in what we're trying to do. but yeah, the service talked about this video

and about matthew 28 where the disciples are doubting and Jesus commissions them anyway. he just talked about how we can be different, more like Jesus and less like what the world thinks of as Christians. he was much more eloquent. i've been working all day. :)

so many other things, but i feel boring.

i'll write when i feel more poetic.

i wish it would stop raining.

know that i'm still learning

2008-05-13T11:46:00.004-04:00

the swell season was last night. it was... wonderful. i am having trouble putting words to it. seeing the two of them was surreal and very real at the same time. it's like they're just so much them, that seeing them so closely was no different than seeing them on a movie screen; but at the same time it was thrilling. and their music... i guess you could say it connects to your soul. glen is so precious and honest with his stories, sharing from clear, real-life feelings and experiences, and marketa, in her youth, exudes a confidence as well as earthiness that is refreshing. the show was altogether delightful. i didn't get any photos; it's like john mayer said, "didn't have a camera by my side this time, hoping i would see the world through both my eyes." :) plus we were pretty far away, no photo would have done it justice.

i took today off of work since i knew we'd be getting home late; the show was almost 2 hours away. so i am relaxing and having coffee and debating how to spend these precious hours of freedom. i've already caught up on the latest episode of the office and done some journaling.... i'm sure a run will ensue and who knows what else.

random trivia:
i don't know if you've heard the news about hard plastice watter bottles, but apparently they're phasing out current ones due to associated health risks. now, i know people say there are health risks with everything, but i've been hearing things since college. so i gave up my orange plastic bottle for a new aluminum one, which i think is pretty cute, and hopefully does not have the same health concerns associated... plus, some environmental friendliness?

anyway...
it's been well with my soul lately. i feel a sense of clarity and perhaps even direction i haven't felt in a long while. the things i care about have been reconfirmed and illuminated, and i feel as though God is really trying to show me what is deep within, what matters most. this i am thankful for.

pick me up love

2008-05-11T18:52:00.002-04:00

this was a fun weekend.
i've had several good days lately, and i've been thankful for them. work has been enjoyable, and not felt much like work. i've felt joyful, peaceful, and even... gasp! a bit happy. it's bad when you feel guilt over happiness. i'm always learning that balance.

i saw lots of good music friday night with good people.
saturday i had sisterly fun running errands and watching penelope.
and today has been sabbathy and mothery :) good thoughts and fellowship with church this morning, and then i had lunch with my family and did some "practicing" of the guitar, as i am trying to learn.

here's a little inspiration for the week ahead...
love.

sugar high

2008-05-08T18:55:00.000-04:00

tomorrow is a long time

2008-05-06T17:34:00.002-04:00

today i noticed shortly after arriving at work that everything was pissing me off. so i texted my roommate to see how she was doing today. and she informed me that she too was not having the greatest day. and she reminded me that two weeks ago today our dear friend meredith went on from this messy world.

losing my friend has been a weird, hard, lonely, and all kinds of other things time.

the morning i found out i had about 15 minutes of numbness, where i knew, even before reading the update, what had happened and was relieved for her, that she was no longer suffering.

and then the reality of the situation set in. i said what had happened to a coworker. and a beautiful thing happened: my coworker cried with me. and i was able to say things like i know mere is better off and that i'm not sad for her, i'm sad for the rest of us.

and in the past two weeks we have remembered mere, both through a service and through interactions with friends and family- no one was a stranger to her. i have been blessed to see glimpses of the kingdom of heaven come here; through phone calls and visits and letters and offers of dinner and the support of friends.

i got angry for a bit, or not angry, but really frustrated. i longed so much for meredith to be healed, for redemption to come here on earth and not in heaven. and then when it didn't happen that way i started to question how much redemption can come on earth.

last wednesday i watched a young yuppie married man pick up a prostitute in his new shiny red pickup truck in the middle of the day. i felt the strangeness of walking through a drug infested neighborhood, and felt the absence of the church. i spoke with individuals that i helped to get apartments last spring, only to be back in the shelter, run out by dope boys.

and my question in all of that was, how much hope is there, really, here on earth.

and those questions lead into other questions about my own life, my prayers, my hopes and dreams. i do not compartmentalize; when one thing comes loose everything else shifts.

and then sunday someone spoke about the redemptive timeline. he said we are in a time of already, but not yet. the kingdom of heaven is come, but we are not yet finished with all of the messiness of the world.

i've found myself envying meredith, and wanting so much to not have to hurt anymore, and not having to see the hurt all around me.

but on sunday he also shared this verse, that has been coming up a lot lately.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4:12-13

i find myself with some renewed hope. it comes and goes. our suffering is to be expected. but so is the glory that will be revealed. i am still having a hard time finding words for my prayers. i think i don't know what to say, still. and i know i am thinking differently, or more fervently, about a lot of other things.

"The Lord is good to those who wait for him

to the soul who seeks him

It is good that one should wait quietly

for the salvation of the Lord.

it is good for a man that he bear

the yoke in his youth.

Let him sit alone in silence

when it is laid on him;

let him put his mouth in the dust-

there may yet be hope;"

Lamentations 3:25-29

come sustain us

2008-05-04T11:49:00.002-04:00

Walt Whitman (1819–1892). Leaves of Grass. 1900.

166. O Me! O Life!

O ME! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;	5
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer. That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.

joy and pain, sunshine and rain

2008-05-02T23:25:00.004-04:00

"...it is that of an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it Joy, which is here a technical term and must be sharply distinguished both from Happiness and from Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that, and considered only in its quality, it might almost equally well be called a particular kind of unhappiness or grief. But then it is a kind we want. I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasures in the world. But then Joy is never in our power and pleasure often is."
-Surprised by Joy, CS Lewis

i'm hoping to be surprised....

a funny taste in my head

2008-04-30T22:11:00.003-04:00

Revelation 21:3-5

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, 'Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying or pain; the first things have passed away.' And He who sits on the throne said,

'Behold, I am making all things new,'

And He said, 'Write, for these words are faithful and true.'"

i need a hurricane

2008-04-26T09:45:00.002-04:00

tired and sad and tired of feeling tired and sad.

I felt the faint trace of thunder
rattle this old house
I saw the fire light the sky
but there's no sign of rain anywhere

I need a hurricane
to empty out this place
It seems it's the only way
to salvage any sense I have left
to move on

I'm waiting to hear your voice again
and lighten up this heart
I'm holding onto stupid memories
but I see you in every little thing

I need a hurricane
to straighten out this place
It may be the only way
to salvage any sense I have left
to move on

I need a hurricane
to ravage through this place
I think it's the only way
to salvage any sense I have left
to move on

I felt the faint trace of thunder
rattle this old house
But there's no sign of rain anywhere
No, there's no sign of you anywhere...
Hurricane, Mindy Smith

i apologize for being so down. this week has just been difficult. i know it will lift.

in my praises make Your home

2008-04-19T20:41:00.001-04:00

Psalm 13

How Long, O LORD?

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

1How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

3Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

5But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

i feel it all

2008-04-17T18:35:00.003-04:00

nothing like a run on a sunny 70 something degree day to get you feeling like your old self, and allowing all of the thoughts that have a been in a jumble for days into words.

in college some of my guy friends liked to go to the catacombs of the library and turn on those moving bookshelves and run through, trying not to be pummeled by them. they endearingly dubbed it, "the gauntlet." this week i feel like i've experienced the gauntlet of emotions, running through a flurry of them and trying not to be pummeled.

on monday night my friend abby had some sad news about some friends of hers. tuesday i found out during the workday that my friend meredith's cancer has progressed to the point that her liver is now failing and the family called in hospice. with those things on my brain, working on the streets was hard, and each individual i encountered brought me close to tears.

immediately after the news of mere i felt pretty frustrated. that, along with other big-ish things that i've been praying about, felt unanswered... or that i'm getting more "wait" responses.

but with spring comes hope :) He makes all things new. i don't know how that will be embodied, in meredith's situation, in big things i'm praying in my own life, but i believe it, and i apologize for not doing so so often.

i was listening to caedmon's call's album, share the well, and this song again hit home.
Mother India
Father God, You have shed Your tears for Mother India
They have fallen to water ancient seeds
That will grow into hands to touch the untouchable
How blessed are the poor, the sick, the weak

Father, forgive me, for I have not believed
Like Mother India, I have groaned and grieved
Father, forgive me, I forgot Your grace
Your Spirit falls on India and captures me in Your embrace

The serpent spoke and the world believed its venom
Now we're ten to a room or compared with magazines

There's a land where our shackles turn to diamonds
Where we trade in our rags for a royal crown
In that place, our oppressors hold no power
And the doors of the King are thrown wide

the complications when i see His face

2008-04-16T17:59:00.001-04:00

You are with me

2008-04-08T20:15:00.005-04:00

"Of course we're stressed, God created us to be naked gardeners, and now we have to save the world."
-Rick Mckinley: Rugged Spirituality

I just listened to this sermon... again. He discusses David's life and his work as a shepherd. Kind of lowly work. But he points out that in that time God was teaching David so much, working in him in order to make him into who he would be later on. And David utilized that time, writing psalms to God and meditiating on His word. The pastor read through Psalm 23, and how David was seeing God in his own work, how the Lord would be a shepherd. And the pastor suggested doing the same with our line of work, looking at how God would do it...

Psalm 23: a meditation of an outreach worker
The Lord is my outreach worker
I shall not want!
He makes me lie down in a safe, clean home of my own, perhaps the first time in years
He leads me smoothly and quickly through the maze of social services, advocating for me
He affirms me to my core
He leads me in making good decisions
For His name's sake

Even though I walk through dark, urine-coated, needle-strewn alleys,
I will fear no evil
for You are with me
Your food and blankets, they comfort me

(original)
You prepare a table before me
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

I have A LOT on my mind right now. Praying for discernment, wisdom, direction... all that fun decision-y stuff.
And i'm praying for you... you know who you are ;)
love, love, love!

this troubled mind

2008-04-04T16:56:00.002-04:00

heheh, at least i'm not the only one... :)

Pavement Tune, The Frames
This situation's killing me
It's got me right under the thumb
I don't know where I want to be
This doesn't make no sense at all
You're quoting every single line
I spoke too much but I was old before my time, you told me

I want my life to make more sense
I want my life to make amends
I want my life to make more sense to me

This road is crooked cracked and wrong
They got the odds staked nice and high
I don't know how they get along
Me, I just internalize
You can imagine what they'd say
Given the choice if I could fight or walk away, I'm walking

You see I want my life to make more sense
I want my life to make amends
I want my life to make more sense to me

I want my life to make more sense
I want my life to make more sense to me

So let me take you by the hand
And lead you through this troubled mind
You said yourself we had a plan
To get us all back to the line
We talk about it everyday
But we keep forgetting what it was we came to say
Now don't we

I want my life to make more sense
I want my life to make amends
I want my life to make more sense to me
My life to make amends

i can't speak the sounds that show no pain

2008-03-29T13:04:00.004-04:00

i had a dream last night that was, to me, amazingly symbolic.
part of it was this:
i was at a beautiful big center, i think for children. i did not work there, but as i walked outside a family saw me and thought i did. they handed me their little screaming toddler and bolted. i knew that the little girl was in so much turmoil and needed so badly consistency, safety, and to trust me. so i held her closely and tightly, walking around the center and showing her things- talking softly to her as she screamed. we came to an overlook of roads filled with cars and traffic. right below was a place that was full of dingy colors, like trash or something. but i thought it was so beautiful and wished i had a camera. at that point the little girl had settled down and we were bonded.

interpret as you will... i have two ideas. :)

i heard a sermon a long time ago that for some reason a piece of it is ringing in my head today. rick mckinley, from imago dei in portland, says that if you come to the community wanting to have you needs met you will leave disappointed. but if you enter into community with your arms open, looking to meet the needs of others, your experience will be fulfilling.

it's a beautiful day. i'm meeting some friends for a walk and some coffee and a visit to the art museum. the sun has an energizing power over me.

i say i'm the body and drink of the wine

2008-03-23T17:04:00.010-04:00

today is Easter Sunday. it's nice to have a restful Sunday again. although my travels were enjoyable, i needed a quiet, thoughtful Sunday at home with the tone set by a service at VC. my family came to worship with me today, and although i'm always slightly nervous to bring people with me- i tend to wonder the whole time what they're thinking, if they like it or not- i didn't let those thoughts bother me and i think they enjoyed their visit. and it was nice to get to share a place i enjoy so much.

mom brought me some peeps and two big buckets full of planted tulips and other springy flowers, which i am very excited about. i've been wanting to develop the horticulturalist in me :)

the thought this morning was different than the expected Easter Sunday sermon. although still centered on the resurrection, he spoke more of what Jesus' rising from the dead represents in our lives and of the hope that we can hold to. he talked about the restored earth that we look forward to, and that in the meantime our lives are to be lived with a mission.

he quoted a friend of his who has since passed, and the words resonated with me.
"When it seems that hopefulness is the least appropriate response in this situation, let it rise up even more. Whisper your hope when you lie down at night, scream your hope when you wake in the morning. Live your hope as if it is the one and only thing that sustains you in this ravaged world. You will not be disappointed." -Mark Palmer

"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58

"I am not me anymore. At least I'm not the same me I was. " Diarios de Motocicleta

To a new life on a new shore line

2008-03-18T17:16:00.004-04:00

i did something that, had you asked me three years ago, i would have sworn i'd never do.
while in st. louis this past weekend i got a tattoo. whoa. hehe! :) it says "esperanca," which in portuguese means "hope" or "wait."
it hurt, but i had my love by my side, holding my hand. we'll probably take the tattoo man's advice and get matching "bff" tattoos next time... just kidding.

i feel like hope and waiting have become central themes in my life, in the things i care about, in my work. two years ago i spent a very small amount of time in a place that made a very large impact on my life since then. it basically turned things around, as far as i was concerned and the "plans" i thought i had. since then there has been a deep and consistent need in me to go to where the hurting, poor, oppressed and suffering are and love them there. in working among those who are so broken, though, it's easy (for me) to become jaded, hopeless, overwhelmed. i continuously have to remind myself that our hope isn't here on earth, and that i am only being obedient to what's been placed on my heart and using what i've been blessed with in order to bless others. so, i thought that this might be a little visible reminder of that hope, and the place where it was so beautifully taught to me.
(plus it's fun:)

so, st. louis was wonderful, as always. i went with brian to see courtney for the weekend. i love being down there, and i love that courtney and i share such similar hopes and dreams for our lives, thus allowing me to not feel totally alone. talks this past weekend, too, refreshed my hope for future things, and even left me feeling slightly giddy. we shall see!

a few weeks ago i was eating at a restaurant and joked that i was going to order the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which cost as much as any of the other, actual, sandwiches. i didn't order the peanut butter and jelly, however, and the joke's on me. i have suddenly become hooked on pbj... i had one for dinner last night, and most likely will tonight. i really don't know the reasoning, but it's so good.

we are currently experiencing a bed bug epidemic in the neighborhood/building in which i work. it's awful, if you are fortunate enough not to have encountered the little creatures. they're so hard to kill, and to find, and they breed like crazy.... last week i saw one crawling on my work bag (which has since been discarded) and felt so compromised. i say all this in mostly sincerity and a slight bit of drama. but seriously, they're bad news.

welp, the week goes on. no more road trips for a while. tonight i'm just excited to stay home, enjoy some arrested development borrowed from a work friend, and have a delicious peanut butter and jelly.

ha esperanca pra voce. :)

I look at all the lonely people...

2008-03-13T22:17:00.003-04:00

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.
-Traditional Franciscan Benediction

Cali is wit' it

2008-03-10T22:07:00.005-04:00

well, well, well.
i feel like the primary event in my life right now is my recent long weekend trip to san diego, but i don't have much to say about it, except that i'm excited for warm weather to come here to cincy. it was a nice time, though.
while i was gone my friend brought a new little man into the world, and i must say, as i am fresh from holding him in my arms, that he is precious. so that's exciting.

i'm reading this book my mom lent me, which i started reading while i had the flu and got annoyed with. nothing like two 4 and a half hour flights and a five hour delay to make you think twice. i think i just wasn't in the right frame of mind when i had a fever. so, all that to say, it's pretty interesting, and of course has got me thinking :)

the author, carrie mcdonnall, writes in "facing terror" about her time working with arab muslims in iraq and her time leading up to her work there. she tells the story of a tragedy that occurred in her time in the middle east and the aftershock. what's stuck out to me is her writing about when she returns to the u.s. after her first term overseas. she was so excited to come home, but upon return she writes,

"I felt free as a bird. But I never felt free of my concern for my second homeland....
I felt I was missing something in the comfort and security of my home in the United States.... I knew I would probably never felt complete in either place." 110-111

i constantly wonder why i have such a desire burning in me that is yet to be ignited. sometimes i think i'm just confused and that maybe i'm just supposed to live in the u.s. and love it here. but reading her story, the way her heart was shaped, beats true in mine as well. i think i discount it because i wasn't overseas for long, but i can't shake that desire. so i wait.

and on to waiting: something i've been considering a lot as well. there is so much waiting in the Bible: the israelites in the desert for hundreds of years, noah on a boat for 5 months, abraham and sarah having a baby in their hundreds. i'm reminded that God is faithful to his promises, but he is in charge of the timing. so i wait. :)

i feel content in my waiting. it's a weird kind of confused peace i have... one that passes understanding, perhaps? heheh. i really feel like things are being put in my radar- shaping me, leading me, teaching me. and i know that there is life in the meantime, and i am to live it to the fullest extent.

well that's more personal than i usually try to be, but there ya go.

i'm roadtrippin' it (again!) to st. louie this weekend to see my love. i can't wait for some cheeseburgers, coffee and chats!

love in every language

2008-03-04T16:26:00.004-05:00

a couple weekends ago my friend meredith came up to cincy with her husband for the weekend. she came out to dinner with us and stayed overnight with jess and i. it was lovely to see her. and hard. 2 years ago meredith was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. it has been a battle of faith and prayer and trust since then. sometimes she looks so good and is so energetic you wouldn't know anything is wrong. but lately she's been in a lot of pain and has lost a lot of weight. it's hard to see your friend cope with that, and it's hard to know how to react. so i'm struggling with that. if you'd like, please pray for meredith and her family, whatever you feel led. paul says

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:26-28

my day was burdensome. the system makes me tired sometimes. and i meet people sometimes that leave me with a sense of urgency, to act as fast as possible- which isn't a bad thing, it's just that i'm dealing with the system, so i call one agency after another, leaving messages here and there, telling my client we'll have to wait on that, too.... it makes me physically upset.

as usual, lots on my mind. but those are the most prominent things.
peace.

I went down to Nashville, Tennessee

2008-03-03T16:34:00.004-05:00

yesterday i got back from a weekend trip to nashville with my roommate and friend to see my sister, beth. it was a lovely weekend. my sister's pretty cool... she writes music. check out "lilies of rio" on her page- she wrote it for me :)

and i have a couple more wonderful mini traveling adventures coming up... it really makes the weeks much more endurable, knowing in just a couple days you're off to another fun city to spend time with precious friends.

sometimes the good things are overwhelming. it's easy to bear hard things... well, not easy, but i deal with them better in some ways than with really good things. because the really good things make me feel undeserving, and i wait for something not so good to happen so that things will make sense again. not a good mindset, eh? i'm working on it. :)

the lenten season has been a blessing: it's been filled with a peaceful joy and all the goodness i mentioned above.

God left the ground to circle the world

2008-02-24T17:07:00.003-05:00

remember the sabbath:
1. find a day in the week that you can do no work
2. do things that bring you joy
3. do things that honor God

Matt. 1:28-30 (msg)
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Longing only to know You

2008-02-18T18:46:00.003-05:00

"Sometimes I feel as though I were born in a circus, come out of my mother's womb like a man from a cannon, pitched toward the ceiling of the tent, all the doctors and nurses clapping in delight from the grandstands, the band going great guns in trombones and drums. I unfold and find flight hundreds of feet above the center ring, the smell of popcorn in the air, the clowns gather below, amazed at my grace, and all the people chanting my name as my arms come out like wings and i move swan-like toward the apex, where I draw my arms in, collapse my torso to my legs, roll over in perfection, then slowly give in to gravity. My body falls back toward earth, the ground coming up quick, the center ring growing enormous beneath my falling weight.

And this is precisely when it occurs to me that there is no net. And I wonder, What is the use of a circus? and Why should a man bother to be shot out of a cannon? and Why is the crowd's applause so fleeting? and... Who is going to rescue me?"

Searching for God Knows What, Donald Miller

shake it.

2008-02-14T22:25:00.003-05:00

my darling courtney came to cinci this past weekend. she came with me to the church i'm visiting and we had coffee/tea at the speckled bird.

this week at work has been good. i think i was experiencing burnout or something- and lately i've been loving it again. today i asked a girl if she was a veteran (we were filling out a housing application) and she thought really hard and said, "no. but i am US citizen." :) i always wish i had someone with me to chuckle with.

i went and did jazzercise with a friend from work today. i think i grinned the whole way through. there was this tiny woman in the front row just wiggling and workin' it, and at the end of each "routine," she would go to the side, towel off and chug some water. it was too cute. the instructor would speak the song lyrics, and try and tie them in with the dance moves we were doing. such as, "are you drowning... in your own sweat?" although the class was fun, i probably won't make it a habit. but it's good to try things at least once, isn't it?

and here's a tip. the "hyde park" kroger is most often a mess of suv's in the parking lot and the aisles are packed with people. if you want to go at a time that you can get in and out, i highly recommend valentine's day night, about 8pm. heh. there's just about no one in there. it's probably a good time to meet people too, as the only other people there are in the same boat :)

the weekend is upon us once again. this week went quickly. hope everyone enjoys their fridays.

cheers, darlin'

2008-02-08T10:07:00.000-05:00

first things first. may i give a grand kudos to puffs plus with vicks. this genius invention was a joy during my days and nights with the flu. well done, puffs, well done.

so that first day of being home sick may have been "strangely nice," but being doctor ordered to stay home and finding out when you do try to go out that there's a good chance you will faint in front of people is not so much nice. the past several days have been a blur of sleep and dizzy awake, but have been positively accented by a very loving roommate and a mom to the rescue. and i think now i am on the road to recovery... yea!

over a year ago i came across this job description on career builder :

Outreach
A recent local study indicates that at least one third of homeless individuals in Cincinnati suffer from mental illness. Individuals who are living on the streets or in shelters often do not know where to go for help. Our Outreach Worker encounters individuals living in parks, cars, abandoned buildings, and other places not meant for human habitation, as well as individuals staying at emergency shelters. We work with these individuals to help them build trusting relationships and to obtain needed housing and mental health services.

Tender Mercies works in partnership with Greater Cincinnati Behavioral Health Services (GCBHS) to operate the PATH program (Projects for Assistance in the Transition from Homelessness). This program expands the outreach services for individuals with mental illness, maintaining a presence in shelters, soup kitchens, parks, streets and other places homeless people frequent. Making initial contact and establishing a relationship with an Outreach Worker is often the first step in breaking the cycle of homelessness.

i applied, thinking the job sounded too good to be true. and low and behold, one year ago this week i began what has been the blessing of this job! my team is amazing (two of them just called me and told me to come back to work :), i have gotten to learn a lot about homelesseness in the US and social services first hand, and i have worked with some very precious people that make my days worthwhile. this job has made sense when very little else has. so there ya go, cheers to one year!

i feel like walkin' the world

2008-02-04T17:44:00.001-05:00

i'm home sick today. i haven't been stay-at-home sick in about 3 years, so it's been strange. and i don't really know how to go about getting well. my remedies:

oatmeal, pineapple, green tea, books and movies. oh and sleeping a lot and drinking lots of water. it's been strangely nice.

so i wanna go somewhere(s). i'm ready to dust off my travelin' shoes and hit the road (or air). there are so many options! if only i had a friend with a private plane...

i'm no fighter, but i'm fightin'

2008-02-03T13:09:00.000-05:00

oh, so many things i'm thinking about right now! last week someone told me i think too much, which at the time i agreed to, but the more i think (heheh, i just can't stop!) about it, the more i wonder if maybe some folks don't think enough? okay, that may sound weird. let me use a song from wicked to illustrate. fiyero, this facy cool guy who gets kicked out of school after school shows up at shiz. he asks what the students do for fun, and someone tells him they study. his response is:

The trouble with schools is
They always try to teach the wrong lessons
Believe me, I've been kicked out
Of enough of them to know
They want you to become less callow
Less shallow
But I say: why invite stress in?
Stop studying strife
And learn to live the unexamined life

Dancing through life
Skimming the surface
Gliding where turf is smooth
Life's more painless
For the brainless
Why think too hard
When it's so soothing
Dancing through life
No need to tough it
When you can slough it off as I do
Nothing matters
But knowing nothing matters
It's just life
So keep dancing through

Dancing through life
Swaying and sweeping
And always keeping cool
Life is fraught-less
When you're thoughtless
Those who don't try
Never look foolish
Dancing through life
Mindless and careless
Make sure you wear less
Trouble and rife
Woes are fleeting
Blows are glancing
When you're dancing
Through life

and that's not to say that we should always go around thinking too hard about everything and not enjoying what's going on around us. but i do think we should be more in the habit of examining ourselves and our surroundings. a couple days ago i read 1 Timothy, and this stood out to me:
"Be diligent in these matters, give yourself wholly to them. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Perservere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers." 1Tim 4:15-16

i digress.

and on to my recent thoughts:)
i'm still reading Three Cups of Tea, and there's a part where he actually has the opportunity to go and pay his respects to Mother Teresa in Calcutta shortly after she died.

"Safely back in his basement, during the winter of 2000, Mortenson often refelected on those few rare moments with Mother Teresa. He marveled at how she lived her life without the long trips home, away from misery and suffering, so she could rest up and prepare to resume the fight. That winter, Mortenson felt bone-tired." 237

i find myself wondering that a lot, too. how so many people who have made such an impact never seemed to become exhausted and drained like i so often feel.

i also recently read,
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." Galations 6:9

so then i'm thinking, okay, how does one not get tired of constantly being poured out? not to mention i don't feel very poured into right now... but that's another tangent altogether. :)

so this morning we discussed lent: the church's challenge for this season is to focus on justice, and, specifically isaiah 58. isn't it weird when people read things and it's eerily relevant? i love it.

Isaiah 58

True and False Fasting

1"Cry aloud; do not hold back;
^(A) lift up your voice like a trumpet;
^(B) declare to my people their transgression,
to the house of Jacob their sins.
2^(C) Yet they seek me daily
and delight to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that did righteousness
and did not forsake the judgment of their God;
they ask of me righteous judgments;
they delight to draw near to God.
3^(D) 'Why have we fasted, and you see it not?
Why have we humbled ourselves, and you take no knowledge of it?'
Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure,^[a]
^(E) and oppress all your workers.
4Behold, you fast only to quarrel and to fight
and to hit with a wicked fist.
Fasting like yours this day
will not make your voice to be heard on high.
5^(F) Is such the fast that I choose,
^(G) a day for a person to humble himself?
Is it to bow down his head like a reed,
and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him?
Will you call this a fast,
and a day acceptable to the LORD?

6"Is not this the fast that I choose:
^(H) to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps^(I) of the yoke,
to let the oppressed^[b] go free,
and to break every yoke?
7Is it not^(J) to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
^(K) and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
8^(L) Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
^(M) and your healing shall spring up speedily;
^(N) your righteousness shall go before you;
^(O) the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
9Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, 'Here I am.'
If you take away^(P) the yoke from your midst,
^(Q) the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
10^(R) if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
^(S) then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
11And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be^(T) like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
12^(U) And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in.

13^(V) "If you turn back your foot from the Sabbath,
from doing your pleasure^[c] on my holy day,
and call the Sabbath a delight
and the holy day of the LORD honorable;
if you honor it, not going your own ways,
or seeking^(W) your own pleasure,^[d] or talking idly;^[e]
14then you shall take delight in the LORD,
^(X) and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth;^[f]
^(Y) I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father,
^(Z) for the mouth of the LORD has spoken."

that's all for now.

dancing through life

2008-01-30T17:46:00.000-05:00

warning: this could be a long one.
a lot's gone on since last friday...

1. juno. a review said it reminds us why people fell in love with going to movies in the first place. it is so good... go see it.
2. book club. some friends and i started a book club about this time last year, but it kinda fell apart after 4 months. we've decided to give it another go, and our first book will be a thousand splendid suns... i am pumped.
3. this is week 2 of the boiler being broken at the church i'm trying to visit. but, two cool things as a result: i saw a handful of people standing outside the church for a while and i thought they were there to tell others there wouldn't be a service; but about 10 minutes later i saw that they were armed with garbage bags and had begun to wander around the neighborhood, collecting trash. cute :) and because of said service cancellation, i had church in the solitude of my apartment. i love the way my spirit is ministered to in that time alone with God...
a friend sent me psalm 62:8, that says pour out your heart to God and let him be your refuge. so, i focused on that.
4. turkish coffee: i had the cutest pot of the stuff i've ever had the other night.
5. tuesday was incredibly long, and pretty good. i got to work at 4am to split into teams of outreach workers to count the homeless staying outside that night. fortunately it wasn't extremely cold. i laughed to myself about how strange my job can be: climbing up rocky inclines under bridges, muddy slopes in the woods with bare tree branches smacking me in the face, unceremoniously disturbing the rem-cycle sleep of the homeless to "ask them a few questions" to get an idea of how long they've been homeless, if they've had services, and so forth. their compensation? a granola bar. our team was on the western outskirts of the city and we found six people: one guy living in the sweetest fort-like structure made of tires. oh, and a coworker and myself fell in the mud, which is 4 times as funny when it's dark and early.
6. wicked! i saw the musical a couple weeks ago and had tickets to see it again last night. i was in the very last row of the top balcony, but it didn't make a bit of difference. the first time elphaba showed up on stage i cheered, as if seeing an old friend. she has a phenomenal voice! i also picked up on a lot of subtleties i didn't see in it the first time, which i really enjoyed. i saw a lot more of the deeper meaning of what the story is saying, and i just loved how it spoke to the idea that sometimes what's good and right is not what the majority may accept as right, and that it may not even be something they think about. i kinda took from it that sometimes when you choose to speak out or stand up for something you believe to be true, you may be the only one, and you may not be liked for it...
7. that reminds me of a broadcast i heard on npr last year around mlk day. it was the story of a father telling his daughter about mlk, who he was, what he did. he told her that mlk tried to speak on the fact that all people should be created equal and should respect and love one another. the little girl said, that's like Jesus. and the dad said, yeah, kind of. she asked, did they kill him too? interesting....

i have much more to work through in my mind, but this is getting arduously lengthy.
until next time, stay warm.

dirty pop

2008-01-25T16:19:00.000-05:00

WEDNESDAY JAN. 16
"A Denver man named Wayne Watson has sued Kroger Co. and two of its popcorn-making subsidiaries for giving him a butter-flavored respiratory disease. Watson says that years of eating two to three bags of microwave popcorn a day gave him "popcorn lung," a respiratory illness caused by inhaling the fake-butter flavor diacetyl. Popcorn lung has been known to sicken workers in butter flavor factories, but Watson is the first person to suggest that general microwaving use can also cause the hilarious-sounding disease. Scientists have determined that Watson must either stop eating fake-flavored popcorn during every meal or stop standing so close to the microwave oven while it's cooking."
-Danny Cross, Cincinnati City Beat 1/23/08

well i feel like an old hobo

2008-01-24T19:03:00.000-05:00

There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.
There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled.
You feel it, don't you?
-Rumi

"But let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream."
Amos 5:24

"...and the world is never the same again, when the prophets come to town."
Rick McKinley, Imago Dei

you said what you have to

2008-01-23T18:38:00.000-05:00

by the last half hour at work today i was thinking in fluent swear words. nasty ones. i was mentally cussing out the agency workers i had just spent the last hour and half sitting with who, at the end of those 90 minutes, revealed that they were to be, in fact, of no help. great. i'm so glad i drove approximately 45 minutes to come meet with you. heh.

funny parts of my day, however, were:

giving a client a baby ruth bar as a form of bribery to take a shower

telling a very schizophrenic client a joke. his response: "was that a question to bring me back to reality?"

so, even on mental-swear-word days, i still laugh. :)

aside from that, i want to go here. i have never had bubble tea, and i'm intrigued.

baby you'll freeze out there

2008-01-21T09:39:00.000-05:00

the church i'm visiting has their own coffee shop, the speckled bird cafe. it's really cute, i hadn't been in before. i like the idea of a place where the church can gather and hang out... but also a place out in the community where people can get to know each other.

there are several cute, independent coffee shops near me. i think i need to start patronizing them more, as opposed to those owned by "the man." :)

i'm reading this book lent to me by a friend, called Three Cups of Tea. this guy is a mountain climber that falls in love with a village in Pakistan and, upon discovering they have no school, decides to make that happen. it's pretty good, i'm enjoying reading about the way the village finds a place in his heart, the discouragement, the rewards, the lessons... he quotes mountain climbers that have experienced this village:

"'We breathed an air of utter satisfaction, of eternal peace,' he continued. 'All this gives rise to a question. Isn't it better to live in ignorance of everything- asphalt and macadam, vehicles, telephones, television- to live in bliss without knowing it?'"

and then again,

"'I used to assume that the direction of 'progress' was somehow inevitable, not to be questioned,' she writes. 'I passively accepted a new road through the middle of the park, a steel-and-glass bank where a 200-year-old church had stood...and the fact that life seemed to go harder and faster with each day. I do not anymore. In Ladakh I have learned that there is more than one path into the future and I have had the privilege to witness another, saner, way of life-a pattern of existence based on the coevolution between human beings and the earth.'"

i'm mr. brightside

2008-01-17T18:38:00.000-05:00

last night my friend lauren came over to my place and we had a delicious dinner of lentils in red curry sauce from trader joe's. it was a recommendation from courtney. and it was so well-recommended, we both enjoyed it very much. and we had a long evening of chatting over said delicious dinner, talking about life and work and everything in between.

i found out that the loan forgiveness thing isn't gonna work for me. even if i stay in the non-profit sector for 10 years, only then will what's left of my loan and interest be forgiven. and by then it'll be paid for. which is good, i guess; but it would have been nice to be freed of that debt prematurely.

i discovered that ingrid michaelson is coming to town next month... right here to the little town of oakley. i think that would be a fun show. who's with me... tickets are cheap!

we found an amazing homeless camp today, quite the setup. apparently the police are going to run them out soon, so we went to see if we could be of service. but no one was home. i took pictures but they're on my phone... anyone know how to get those onto my computer?

happy almost friday :)

we are so fragile

2008-01-16T22:15:00.001-05:00

so last night i was laying in bed reading and my roommate brought in a flower wrapped in paper with a note taped to it that she found set in our mailbox.

in that note is written, "your beauty.... should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 peter 1:3-4

it also had some encouraging thoughts that i'm keeping to myself :)

the note was unsigned. and the flower is beautiful. i am so thankful for friends.

in other news...

i found out today the rumor i'd heard about loan forgiveness for social workers is TRUE!! in fact, it is specifically designed for those who work in non profit (which i do!). apparently you commit to ten years in the field, when your loan is consolidated through direct loans (mine already is) your clock starts, and they pay it off! so, i'm calling tomorrow to find out more. if you've got student loans and work in non-profit, i'll fill you in. that news made me happy.

i can't sleep

2008-01-15T00:25:00.000-05:00

i got ready for bed only to lay there, thinking. ugh. so then i called court, which helped. but then i still just didn't feel sleepy. because of my thinking. so here i sit, awake and knowing i have to be at work in a handful of hours. oh well.

i made that calzone on new year's eve. isn't it pretty?

let's jump out the window.

2008-01-09T18:04:00.002-05:00

i love this song for multiple reasons. take a listen. enjoy.

Australia The Shins
Born to multiply,
Born to gaze into night skies,
When all you want’s one more Saturday.
Well look here, until then
They gonna buy your life’s time
So keep your wick in the air and your feet in the fetters
‘Til the day...
You come in doing cartwheels
We all crawl out by ourselves
And your shape on the dance floor
Will have me thinking such filth I’ll gouge my eyes.

You be damned to be one of us, girl,
Faced with the dodo’s conundrum
I felt like I could just fly
But nothing happened every time I tried.

Oh duotone on the wall
The selfless fool who hoped he’d save us all never dreamt of such sterile hands.
You keep them folded in your lap,
Or raise them up to beg for scraps,
You know, he's holding you down
With the tips of his fingers just the same.
Will you be pulled from the ocean,
But just a minute too late,
Or changed by a potion,
And find a handsome young mate
For you to love.

You'll be damned to pining through the windowpanes,
You know you'd trade your life for any ordinary Joe’s,
Well do it now or grow old.
Your nightmares only need a year or two to unfold.

Been alone since you were twenty-one,
You haven't laughed since January.
You try and make like this is so much fun,
But we know it to be quite contrary.

La la la la la la la
Dare to be one of us, girl,
Facing the android's conundrum,
I felt like I should just cry,
But nothing happens every time I take one on the chin,
You Himmler and your code,
You don't know how long I've been,
Watching the lantern dim,
Starved of oxygen,
So give me your hand,
And let's jump out the window.

you take me the way i am

2008-01-03T18:32:00.000-05:00

"We must not despise what little we have to give to what seems a bottomless pit. In the hands and prayers of Jesus and in turning to face the poor it is enough. Miracles can happen when we risk what we have. Indeed, risking what we have to find life and Christ among the poor is required to take poverty personally and turn crowds into community."
-Ashley Barker Finding Life

"The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community... but the person who who loves those around them will create community." -Shane Claiborne Irresistible Revolution

oh tie me to the end of a kite

2008-01-01T11:16:00.000-05:00

it's the first day of a new year. appropriately spent, i think, in sweatpants with coffee by my side, reflecting on the past 12 months and looking ahead to hopes, dreams, goals of the year to come.

the past year was, in summation, good. :)
some examples:
running a half marathon
running a full marathon
visiting cities like chicago, st. louis, nashville, boston and seeing good friends
a new (ridiculously lovely) job
learning lessons, sometimes hard, sometimes good, most times both
new friends, deeper relationships with preexisting ones
lots of wonderful chats over coffee with amazing friends
so many good things...

it's weird how hard new year's eve is for me, every year for as long as i can remember. i'm not extremely nostalgic, so it's not as if i hate to see the old year go. in fact, i love the freshness that a new year brings... so much renewed hope and the excitement of the unknown. and a lot can happen in a year... this past was a good example of that. but each year, maybe it's just the pressure to make it happy and good and exciting, that one night just ends of bearing down on me in an unpleasant way. not to say that my ringing in the new year festivities weren't fun- they were- it's more in my head.

i went to some friends' house and we made food and chilled. it was nice.
the Christmas season was nice, too, primarily spending time with friends and family. i have to admit i was a little relieved when the actual holiday ended, but the low-key visits, shared meals and beverages and chats with friends were rejuvenating.

overall i'm hoping for another good year. here's to taking it a day at a time, thinking less about self and loving others more. cheers :)

it really is (a wonderful life)

2007-12-24T00:31:00.000-05:00

Christmas eve has arrived. i went to a nice little pre-Christmas party this evening, and this afternoon i saw Enchanted with my love Court as well as two new little friends.

i haven't felt very Christmassy this season... i'm not sure why. it's not that i've felt non-Christmassy, i've just felt like i do the rest of the year, but colder :) i really think part of it has to do with not doing much gift giving/thinking this year. partly because i can't afford it and partly because i'm trying out relational giving and diy gifts. so tomorrow i've got some crafting to do. and i must say i've received a few handmade gifts this season and i LOVE them. i'm very impressed with my friends' abilities.

i was thinking tonight about the upcoming year, and i realized i think about it too much. i've put a lot of stock into this ideal "next year" when things will be the way i want, when i will feel right, when i will live where i want, when i will never say anything stupid and will never have strangeness or hurt in friendship... i have made next year into something it cannot be. i realized tonight that next fall i may still not know where to go overseas, that i will most definately still have broken human relationships, that i will say things i regret, that i will most likely still want to fix all kinds of things about myself. i think there's a great deal to be said for optimism, for hope... but there's also something to be said for contentment and trust, for waiting (some more) on God's timing. so, my goal for Christmas and the days to come is to make the most of each day, to love those in my life, to allow God to take my brokenness and make it whole. and i'm still gonna pray for His direction on where to go (and when) :)

Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel

2007-12-09T15:06:00.000-05:00

i've been reading through some of the old testament prophets. so when we sang o come, o come Emmanuel this morning during worship the lines about ransomed Israel had more significance to me. i think too, not just because of my reading, but because i see the ways i am so much like Israel, and how my country is so much that way, too. i long for both myself and my land to be ransomed by Emmanuel.

it's rainy and chilly and i love it. it is an appropriate weather day for the way i am feeling; kind of thoughtful and like i'd be most content to sit in an optimally lit room ;) and be comfy with a book and journal :) i think i just made my afternoon plans. heheh.

i went and visited a new place for sunday morning "corporate worship" today. it was beautiful, both the building and the service. personal, real, reverent. lovely. we talked about advent, and waiting on God. we did lectio divina, which is a kind of guided meditation through a passage of scripture. i've done that once before, corporately, with my servant team two years ago. i got so excited when she said that's what we would be doing and that this way the holy spirit would basically minister an individual sermon to each of us. so, yeah, it was lovely.

do you ever just feel like you don't fit? i've been feeling like that these days....
randomness.

a perfect love is a world without hunger

2007-12-08T11:24:00.000-05:00

"many people are talking about the poor, but very few talk to the poor." -mother teresa

the snow is falling like forgiveness from the sky

2007-12-05T17:43:00.000-05:00

my roomie and i put up our Christmas tree last night. it looks quite cozy in our little living room. if only we had a fire burning. and snow fell this morning, our first snow that stuck.

i heard yesterday that 30% of the US homeless is youth- 18 years and under. that's a lot. most of them are with their mothers, but then some are runaways or castaways. sometimes i just think about how many people are suffering and how great the need is for people who care in the world. i imagine if every single person just cared about one other person, how amazing that would be.... and then i get overwhelmed, and then i remember that i'm only being obedient, and i can only do what God has given me to do.

i remember a few years ago i heard about a prayer that asks, "let my heart be broken with the things that break the heart of God." i began praying that earnestly after i heard it, and my heart has been breaking ever since. but it reminds me of two things: how incredibly broken the heart of our Father must be and how grateful i am that we have hope beyond here, beyond feeding the hungry and rescuing the oppressed and housing the orphans. those are only temporary fixes and the hurt goes so much deeper. only Jesus can mend those hurts, and i am so thankful that He can and does.

When your culture is so set in it's ways

2007-12-02T12:47:00.000-05:00

today is the first day of the advent season. the root of advent means "to come," as in the coming of Jesus. look into the advent conspiracy's website... it's a great idea.

i've had a lot on my mind lately... i just finished Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne after putting it off for several years, assuming it was another trendy book with no real truth. but truth is has! i highly recommend it, especially if you want to get all confused and frustrated and disturbed :) perhaps more so than you may already be. but yeah, it made me think a lot, about a lot, and become more convinced of things i already thought and solidly convinced of things i had considered but not fully committed to.

in other news... i love this season, the chill in the air, scarves and hats and hot beverages... the lights inside and out. it's just so lovely. i think i fear it only because i don't like driving in the snow, but what a silly, small reason to dislike something so beautiful otherwise. so, i'm getting over it.

i've had a very relaxing, restful and productive weekend. i've had several cups of coffee while reading in glowy rooms ;) and am feeling more and more a sense of peace and of urgency- all at once.

who made up all the rules?

2007-11-16T18:22:00.000-05:00

i love fall. i love that it's here. and i fear it's being overtaken by winter.... but until then, i will stare at bright fuscia and yellow trees against a blue grey sky while running or driving and risk tripping or wrecking, just to soak in as much as possible. i was in a blogging mood, i think after looking at courtney's blog... it comes and goes.

raise your hopeful voice

2007-08-19T20:43:00.000-04:00

sigh. that's how i'm feel right now... just... sigh. not a sigh of happiness or sadness, i think mainly a sigh of contentment. what a good (and foreign) thing that is to me. for the past couple of weeks i have felt unusually peaceful. but it's also kind of a weird numb feeling... it's just strange, really.

i think last time i updated i'd recently seen precious courtney. the following weekend i got to see my other precious, jill. i think seeing those two back to back really aided in my contentment. just talks we had and realizations i came to and encouragement i received and insights we shared... they kinda reshaped the way i've been seeing this time in my life. i was listening to "these friends of mine" by rosie thomas on my way to see jill... the chorus says, "maybe i needed this time to remind myself," it just kinda clicked with me, that maybe this time is partly for me to remind myself, to be reminded of the friendships i am blessed by and to see the importance of those. i was having coffee with some old friends from high school and one of them was talking about how he wouldn't want to be married right now- he said, "if i was married, i couldn't do this." he was so matter of fact. and i think in a lot of ways, he's right. somehow my friends who are married don't seem as young as my single friends. and it reminded me how thankful i really am for my independence, for my friendships, for feeling young and for being free to do what i want when i want. how cool is that? and i have a handful of girls in my life, that when i imagined us all marrying off and assuming those new roles, it made me so sad. hopefully it won't be that way, but in the meantime i appreciate so much those relationships and times together.

and since seeing jill... hmm. well, i turned 25, and it was a decent day. i got to talk to some people i really love, celebrate with friends and family.... and then friday two of my friends threw a surprise party for me, and i was so surprised! i was kind of overwhelmed by the kindness of it all, and how i didn't really deserve any of it, but those feelings didn't take away from having an amazing time and feeling so loved and loving people in my life so much.

and i've had some rest this weekend, too. and i saw Once with my apartment-mate :) that movie left me kind of speechless. and now i'm wallowing in the soundtrack and reliving all of the emotions it evoked in me. it was so beautiful, and emotional, and realistic. it was wonderful.

i just registered for my first marathon. i can't decide if i'm crazy or not. i think i'll be alright... the half marathon was thoroughly enjoyable for me, so i thought maybe a full marathon would be, perhaps slightly less enjoyable, but more challenging, which i consider a good thing. keeps me on my toes. :)

welp i've got some things to do before heading back to work tomorrow. i'm sure i'll have more thoughts soon. i rarely run out.

it's that heat...

2007-08-08T17:34:00.000-04:00

another hot one. i didn't think i was someone to hide in air conditioning- when people began complaining about how hot it was in may i just laughed and questioned them, saying it's gonna get hotter. but there's something supremely unpleasant about walking out your door at near 8a.m. and it already being so uncomfortably thick in the air. i love the fresh cool of morning, and lately, it's just not.

i've got three clients right now with apartments waiting for them. i think i get as excited as them sometimes. it's things like that, and like this afternoon when we drove around looking for any and everyone homeless, on the street, in the woods, under bridges, and giving them water. we all had a sense of urgency about it, too. it's so dangerous for them, and a lot of them just don't take care of themselves, so they stay out in it. we lost a client, potentially to the heat, over the weekend. i was one of the last people to try and engage him. i actually drove him from a respite home back down to the river after and hour and a half of tearful begging for him to stay where he was. my pleading only resulted in him lying next to my car on the sidewalk next to a bush while he waited for me to get his medicines. it's hard; they're adults, and they have the right to make decisions, even if we know better.

i was thinking about that today, and what it might be like to be a parent, and to experience anger at someone you care about only because they're making poor decisions for themselves. but being angry at them won't help them. so i made sure to let go of my anger before meeting up with the one who had incited it.

last weekend i met up with one of my bestest friends. we had such a good weekend. it was a nice mix of doing and not doing, of conversation, coffee and cheeseburgers. i love her so much, and she encouraged me. sometimes just having a really cool friend is encouraging in itself, like, hey, this person is cool and they'll be friends with me! hehe. but i am so thankful for her- and not just because she's cool (and she's the coolest.) and this weekend i'll get to see another friend i cherish, another encouragement in my life. it's friends like these that remind me i am not alone in the way my heart beats, my passions and desires, the things that i want to invest my life and i am convinced of.

lately i've felt very much like, here in this city, there aren't too many who see things the way i do. like i don't see the point of a nice church building, or nice equipment, or a good, aesthetically and experientially pleasing service. i think the church's concern should be God and His people- each generation discipling the generation after it, and all of them working together to reach and love in their communities, and the surrounding ones. i think the church should be seeking God's face, studying scripture, and talking about hard things, and bringing in broken people. i think we should evaluate, together, how we spend our money, where we live, what cars we drive, how we use our resources. i think we should meet and talk about the depth of life- the hard, sometimes sad, sometimes embarrassing things that people don't like to talk about. i am so tired. i don't like feeling like i stay in a church only because i need to be a voice for change, an advocate for the poor, and encouragement to the handful of young people who want something more than comfortable, arm's length from suffering religion. i want more than that. i want to get my hands dirty, to take up my cross, to enter into life and suffering with people, and to share the hope of Jesus with all. i am tired of feeling like i am alone in those desires here in this city. or that i'm distanced from others who feel the same but also feel powerless and discouraged by the predominant comfort gospel that is taught and modeled.

all that not to say that others are wrong or right. or that i'm wrong or right. it's just how i feel. and i know that a lot of why i think things i do is because others have been the voice of change and advocate for the poor in my life, and many of them i've encountered through the church. but i just question how dirty hands can get, or even want to, when they're a good 15 miles from the dirt.

silence is loud, humility is so proud

2007-08-01T20:32:00.000-04:00

it's hot. as blazes, perhaps. the heat made me, in a strange way want to hibernate today. i wanted to avoid the penetrating sun and stay very very still in an effort to not sweat anymore. i spent some time this evening in my roommate's room, where the air conditioning unit is stationed and blasting cool air.

i was thinking today how i wanted to get a new journal, and do some thinking on paper. recently my beloved friend court asked if the blog was a wash, and i thought it was, but then when considering buying a journal, i thought, why not just start blogging again? so i think i will supplement my no-journal-having-time with the blog. it may continue, it may not. where it stops, no one knows. ha.

so, life. i'll be another year older in a couple of weeks. i'm not terribly excited about it. i suppose i should be thankful for another year of life, which i am. and there are lots of things to be thankful for, but just the thought of getting older and not necessarily being quite where i'd hoped are butting heads in my mind. but maybe that will always be a possibility, and maybe i just need to learn to take life as it comes and to be content in all circumstances.

anyway, enough with trying to explain something i can't. i'm reading Under the Overpass right now, about a guy who'd been raised comfortably in a Christian environment, and one day at church wondered what he was doing at church when he'd driven by all of these suffering lost people on his way there. so he decided to put his faith to the test and see if he really did believe God when he had nothing as well as when he was comfortable. it's been really interesting, reading his accounts of the streets- his realizations, questions, struggles and blessings. i decided to read it because of my job, i thought it'd be food for thought, and it has been. he's made me again consider the perspective of the homeless, and also the role of the church. i think i was on a thought path that Christ followers couldn't just come down to the inner city once a year and feed the homeless and share the gospel, or come down once and pick up a homeless person, take them to church and drop them back off in the hood; that their "remembering the poor" needed to be consistent, a lifestyle. otherwise it was just a limp attempt at checking it off a list. i do think that that's true, in part. i think churches should be a presence in the poor parts of town the way social services are- that they should actually be doing (and hopefully better) what the social services are doing. but the guy who wrote the book talks about how blessed he is by random meals given to him, usually by Christian individuals or church groups, and most of those aren't by consistent people. usually it's a one time deal. so i think i can't say people shouldn't just come down once and share food and Christ, but i think it's safe to say it would be better if it wasn't just a one time thing.

i think i've had a hard time balancing compassion/professionalism, trying to figure out how to represent Jesus and still do my job.... how do you empower and not enable people, how do you have compassion for people while still telling them hard things, like "i can't really do anything, you just need a job"? some people that i encounter are really difficult because they've spent their lives working the social service system. they know the right words to get connected to services, to an extent. their fraud will eventually be exposed, and they'll be back in the same spot, but it's hard. it makes me skeptical of a lot of individuals who come through the doors seeking assistance, and i think it makes me frustrated at them, and the system, because of resources being wasted on people who are just looking for an easy way out- a housing voucher and a disability check- no bills and no work. so, in some ways i've become a little hardened to homelessness in the U.S. because of these things.

i think seeing and being aware of poverty around the world makes me feel less sad here. which maybe is a good thing, because just being sad all the time wouldn't help anyone. and i do tell people, "i can't do anything, you just need to get a job," and i continue to see them in the shelter and on the streets for months following. sometimes we have to take responsibility for ourselves. some people really can't do that- whether it's a substance abuse issue that goes back years and years or a mental illness that disables, these things require assistance in recovery. these people my heart does go out to more, but i still can't help but think of other countries, where poverty has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol or laziness, that it is oppressive not just by the welfare state and lack of funding, but by corrupt governments and systems that won't even allow people to get out of their poverty, no matter how hard they may work.

i think throughout my time at this new job i've just been seeing more and more how desperate out need is for redemption in the world. sometimes i want so bad for Jesus to come back, to declare loud and clear his hope, to replace the ashes with beauty, the shackles with diamonds. i would love to see some of my clients' faces when they hear it coming from His mouth. i guess i just have to continue to seek and serve and love God the best way i know how, and to beg for revolution and redemption in this world and in his church.

the leaves are green and new like a baby

2007-03-23T21:56:00.000-04:00

three months isn't too long, is it?

today i received a hug from a 77 year old man who had been dumpster diving only moments before. and a kiss. (on the cheek, thank goodness). and two hawaiian punch-covered daffodils.

i was wondering what Jesus would think of him; how he would react to being in close proximity to this smelly little man who had no problem showing us some strange itchy rash on his shin. i was wondering when i look like this to Jesus?

it isn't okay for a 77 year old man to be dumpster diving.

i've just been thinking about him all day. and itching.

in time the snow will rise in time the Lord will rise

2006-12-23T23:17:00.000-05:00

Last night I had friends over and we frosted Christmas cookies and watched Elf and enjoyed eachother. There are so many things I am thankful for during Christmas, like music and lights and being with friends and family. I remember last year on Christmas Eve being struck by how Christmas is a sad time for a lot of people- people that are suffering; have lost someone at this time of year that was close to them, parents that can't give their kids gifts, people that Christmas only means being alone and cold and hungry.... I remember sitting in my mom's backseat after my sister was talking about a friend of hers who was having her first Christmas without her mom, and I just sat there and cried. But then I remembered what Christmas really was- what the thing is that gets pushed behind the presents and trees and lights- the hope that is in God becoming man, becoming helpless and humble to know and experience what we do. I am so thankful for that hope.

I had an interview the other day with a job that seems too good to be true. I'm praying it's not. :)

I saw Over the Rhine's Christmas concert last weekend and it was lovely, and then two days later they came to find me at Starbucks! (They heard I make the best gingerbread latte in town.) Just kidding. But they did come in.

A new year is on it's way. I can't believe it. I feel like Karen and Linford put it well....
Happy Christmas.

Darlin’ (Christmas Is Coming)
(Words and Music: Detweiler)

So it’s been a long year
Every new day brings one more tear
Till there’s nothing left to cry

My, my how time flies
Like little children hiding their eyes
We’ll make it disappear
Let’s start a brand new year

Darlin’ Christmas is coming
Salvation army bells are ringing
Darlin’ Christmas is coming
Do you believe in angels singing
Darlin’ the snow is falling
Falling like forgiveness from the sky

If I could have anything
What would I want this new year to bring
Well, I’d want you here with me

Tear these thorns from my heart
Help the healing to start
Let’s set this old world free
Let’s start with you and me

snowflakes in the air, carols everywhere

2006-12-04T19:25:00.000-05:00

once again, it's been too long. i missed thanksgiving. it was so good. i ran the thanksgiving day race, spent the afternoon with family and the evening with friends.

i can't believe i haven't posted since i went to boston. that seems like forever ago. that's the thing about this year. time is flying, but everything seems like so long ago. strange.

i had an interview today. it was fine i guess, except that i was wondering most of the time if i should just stop wasting the girl's time and tell her i really don't like what i'm hearing please let me leave. but i stuck it out and rejoiced when her superior was not available to meet with me.

it snow flurried this morning. it was glittery and beautiful. i'm excited for winter and Christmassy things like decorating my apartment and winter coats and scarves.

i drove to new york, in a van, with my friend

2006-11-07T19:48:00.000-05:00

actually in a car, with my friendS.

roadtrips are blogworthy. apparently the innnerworkings of the coffee shop life aren't.

i went to boston and new york this past weekend to see kendra with a few friends. we flew with buddy passes, which was pretty sweet. boston's beautiful and hanging out with old and new friends and wandering through these cool cities was so fun. we went to rockport in boston which is so picturesque and visited downtown boston and went to ny to see the marathon. good times.

it's things like this past weekend that make me happy for the way things are right now. it's such a blessing to be able to travel around with friends and see sights. especially pretty ones like these :)

it could bend or it could break

2006-10-27T23:17:00.000-04:00

i am a below average blog poster. i don't know when it happened; i used to be pretty good about posting. probably a combination of shaky internet connections and less time has made me said below average poster. i'm alright with it, though.

last weekend i went to st. louis. it was so wonderful-and sad when it ended. what a fun group it was; we wandered from coffee shop to restaurant to some other funky little shop and back to court's apartment. it was good hangout and reunion time. i got to see jara, who i haven't seen in a year. i didn't feel like it, though. and it was so fun to celebrate courtney's birthday and just be with her again. and the road trip was fun. good times.

i'm working ten days in a row. i'm almost halfway through. i think once i'm through the weekend it's all down hill. come on, monday morning.

i'm trying to decide what to do with myself. it's really hard. the coffee shop life is becoming more monotonous than anything else. i feel like i have nothing compelling me. or maybe i do, i just am not finding things that fit what i want. this is a strange time in life. i feel stagnant, but also not. what should i be doing with my time? what could i have done differently today? am i being selfish with my time? i think i am to an extent. but it's so hard to do things alone. i'm overwhlemed by time and opportunity right now. and lack of direction. i guess it could be worse :)

it's the little things that seem to be getting me today

2006-10-11T10:48:00.000-04:00

i thanked some woman for drawing my blood yesterday. what a strange thing to thank someone for. she was wearing a shirt that read, "i Vant to draw your bloood." clever :)

it's been a while, i know. i have the best of intentions, and keep thinking i should sit down and write on here, but then i think of something else i could do. plus my internet's a little shaky, but that'll be remedied as soon as i figure out my new router's password.

things are good. i think that's what keeps me from writing on here. work is keeping me busy (sometimes a little too), and i've had some things like a brasilian visitor and small group activities that keep things going. i had the opportunity to go to thailand and cambodia a couple weeks ago, or i had to make the decision a couple weeks ago, and that was a hard thing. it was the strangest thing to realize i actually didn't want to go. after all this time of feeling like all i wanna do is get outta town, and i turn down this opportunity. but i've felt really good about my decision. i think it's taken so long to be content here, and i was worried that was the same as comfort, but i don't think it is. and i finally am content; i really love where i'm living, i love my little group of friends, and i like the freedom and opportunity i feel in this time. some days i like it less, and the unkown seems overwhelming and suffocating, but more than that these days i'm trying to just take each day for what it is and make the most of it. i've started thinking about going back to school. when i talk to people about that the response is encouraging.

i love my little place. i love that i get to make it mine, to clean it and make it feel homey- it's fun cooking and hanging out and hosting people here. this weekend one night i didn't stay here, and i missed it and longed to be back here. what a good feeling. i told court i would put up some new pics of the apt, now that it's a little more lived in. come visit!

freedom hangs like heaven over everyone

2006-09-18T13:45:00.000-04:00

it's monday, but saturday for me. that's one of the minuses of an unusual job: unsual hours/days. so my weekend this week is monday and wednesday. i'm excited for having the whole day to get things done. even on days when i open and am off by 2, i need time to recover, which ends up cutting more time out of the day.

the apt is coming along. we've been doing little decorative and finishing touch type things the past week, and each little thing makes it more like home and more pleasant to come back to at the end of the day. i'm still overwhelmed with time on my hands, even on days that i work, and i'm trying to figure out things to do with my time so i feel less like i'm just killing time between shifts. there were a couple nights last week when i felt like jennifer lopez in the wedding planner when she comes back to her quiet apartment at the end of her work day and prepares a nice meal and sits down with her tv tray in front of the tv to have her lonely dinner. ha. i never really watched tv before i moved here, but there's something about the quiet and even a couple hours alone that lands me there, watching sitcoms on dvd. sad. haha.

having so much alone time has made me a better runner, in that i find myself with nothing else to do, so i do it. and my town is cute to run in.

i'm not really down today, but that's what seems to be coming out. so i'll just leave it at that, and try to be more upbeat next time. happy day.

so let go, jump in

2006-09-12T00:24:00.000-04:00

the hardest things about roadtrips are a) unpacking and b) battling the semis on the highways... especially in the rain.
but those things don't hold a candle to the reason for the road trip. i got to hang out with courtney this weekend in her new city, and i must say we really did make the most of it. we had good talks, saw good music, had coffee and pizza and cheeseburgers (not all at once), went for walks and talked lots. it was so good.

i just watched garden state with my roommate, jess. i love that movie so much.

i love the part where andrew says to albert, "hey albert, good luck exploring the infinite abyss." and then albert's like, "you too."

in small group we're studying acts. the first thing that stood out to me when i read it, and came up in discussion tonight, is in verses 4 and 5 of chapter 1. Jesus tells his disciples not to leave Jerusalem, but to wait. He tells them in a few days they'll receive the Holy Spirit and then be able to be witnesses around the world. to me it translated into my life in terms of waiting for whatever it is i'm waiting for, and being prepared for, and just kind of showed that even Jesus wasn't like, "hurry up and get out of town, what are you waiting for?!" i like that.

i leave you tonight with a quote from serendipity... a great fall film to watch with your dear friend while eating brownies.
"Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, it is a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan."

changes come

2006-09-06T18:06:00.001-04:00

my life has been defined by change as of late. nothing too big; but change nonetheless. there's of course the moving out of my parent's house, and i was promoted at work and have been learning all that new stuff. i got my keys to the store today. it felt important. and some new friends have moved away, and i don't think that would have affected me the same, but with moving out i've felt lonely and keep wondering, who can i call? :)

today i was struck by how thankful i should be for my job, and am not. i have so much fun at work, and usually it goes fast; and now with my promotion i can afford to live, so what more could i want for right now?

i had this major sense of development in the air today after i talked to my friend jill. her, my friend courtney and i are somehow oddly enough doing very similar things (though not intentionally) in different places. it's very interesting. and new opportunities, or exciting ones that we've talked about, have been bringing themselves up recently, and i feel like that's something.

i'm just feeling very thankful today, and happy. and maybe a little tired.

i'm going to st. louie this weekend to visit my dearest courtney. i'm so excited.

room to make the big mistakes

2006-08-27T21:16:00.000-04:00

what a past couple of days this has been.

i am officially moved into my new apartment. i'm excited but it's been stressful and annoying packing and toting and unpacking and all that. but i'm hoping it'll be good once i'm settled. it was a fun feeling to come home to my own place with my groceries tonight and my neighbor just stopped by to say hello and welcome us!

here's a couple "before" photos of the new apt. the first is of the movers pulling the couch over the balcony because it wouldn't fit up the stairs. hehe.

i also went to a lake house with some friends this past weekend and got to go to a red's game last week on a beautiful night, and they won!

don'cha

2006-08-21T18:18:00.000-04:00

i got back yesterday from a very fun and relaxing weekend in south carolina. i went with three of my friends from school to visit our friend meredith.

jill spilled her chips on the car seat and decided to just eat them.

this is how fast we were going for an hour and a half in an unexplained traffic jam.

and when we finally made it, there were lots of movies and lots of good food including a delicious breakfast prepared by meredith's new hubby! fun times. i love these girls!

thanks for the memory

2006-08-13T00:32:00.000-04:00

my 23rd year: a summary.

well, my 23rd year began in a whirlwind of packing and arguing with the brasilian consulate in order to have my visa in time to fly out. i said goodbyes, cried a good bit, and hopped on a plane for one of the best experiences of my life with then strangers who have now become treasured friends. i came home to snow on the ground and an anxious family who didn't realize someone different would step off the plane. i had inner struggles with comfort and the materialism of the holiday season. i started working, my first non-student job, and went slightly wacky. but the wackiness was ameliorated by a now dear friend who shared much of what was constantly on my heart and mind. and then i "co-started" a small group for other confused quarter-lifers, not knowing this group would become my primary social outlet and, also, dear friends :) i began a different job, one that i could enjoy and would feel temporary, and found a volunteer outlet that looks like it may be good.

23 was full of extreme joy and deep sadness of all types. i learned a lot of lessons, about myself, my God, and his people. i changed. i made lots of new friends that i wouldn't be the same without, and grew in relationships with those i already knew and loved. overall, this year was full of the unknown in more ways than most years in the past. it was frustrating a lot and consistently good. i'm thankful for all of it.

i'm hopeful for what 24 will bring.

food glorious food

2006-08-10T00:03:00.000-04:00

i hate when i close at work and i come home hungry. it's so bad to eat at midnight, and the only things that ever sound good are not particularly healthful.

i made an appointment to get my hair cut. i'm bored with it. any suggestions? maybe i'll be daring. this time last year i was daring and regretted, oh, for about 6 months.

The Divine Conspiracy is really good, if you were wondering.

i'm over halfway through Anna Karenina, and it's really good too. i need to try and just read one book at a time.

clearly i have nothing of substance to post.

measure in love

2006-08-07T01:07:00.000-04:00

welp, i "signed my life away" so to speak this afternoon. and i am excited. i am now the pleased renter of apt #3 on minot avenue. it's the cutest little place, just right for 2 girls under 5'3" :) (seriously, the doorways and the shower wouldn't be conducive to anyone taller.) so that's pretty big.

the other day i was with a friend from work, and she was asking me what i'm doing. what're my plans? going back to school? management? a different job? questions like that are so hard for me, cuz i feel like such a lump answering them... well, no, i'm not looking for a better job and no i don't want to go to grad school. or i feel like a mystic... i feel like i'm supposed to wait and this is where i'm supposed to be right now. so i got all worked up about that: what AM i doing? i need to get moving on SOMETHING!

then this morning i sat in on the class for high schoolers, and the lesson was on serving an audience of one. what a lovely reminder. all the things i feel pressure to do, to have answers for that i don't right now, are pressures i put on myself to please other people. i'm worried about what my life looks like to others; and not in terms of if they see Jesus, but i don't want them to see a loser, or a slacker, or a willy nilly silly girl :) but, i really do feel like this is right right now. trust me, me and God have plenty of talks about what the heck is going on in my life. but he keeps reassuring me and giving me peace and patience, and he keeps lighting that fire in me, giving me glimpses of what's to come.

in the words of jars of clay, Jesus' blood never failed me yet. :)

mais que nada

2006-07-27T22:48:00.000-04:00

highlights of the day:
-helping with a "vbs" for african refugee kids. hearing them speak their languages. being hung from, having my hair pulled every which way, my nose ring pulled out, things thrown at my head. seriously, it was glorious.
-working at a starbucks other than my own and it going well and fast
-meeting a brasilian man and getting to talk to him for a minute
-singing at the top of my lungs to patty's "chief"... especially the part where she says i wish that you could see me when i'm flying in my dreams, the way i laugh, the way i flyyyyy...

in summation, a meaningful day.

my hips don't lie

2006-07-25T22:10:00.000-04:00

classic friends quote:
"rachel, no you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. it did not taste good."

and it was good to be alive

2006-07-22T00:24:00.000-04:00

sometimes i let situations dictate if i'm happy or sad.

i need to just enjoy this time in life.

one fun development is my moving out of my house :) i'm a little nervous because money'll be tight, but i'm looking forward to living out the lifestyle decisions i made while in rio. and i'm excited to be an independent woman (throw your hands up at me). we're gonna hopefully look at places next week. we shall see!

a girl at work today had written me a card. it was so sweet. i'm really enjoying my job, hanging out with coworkers outside of work and things. i have starbucks friends :)

life is so weird.

rows and rows of big dark clouds

2006-07-18T16:56:00.000-04:00

oh how i love me a summer storm.
i love how my dog gets scared and follows me around, shaking and barely wimpering.
i love the colors of the sky and the urge in me to find a hoodie sweatshirt and a thick book and take advantage of this moment.
i love the feeling of warm air and cool mist from the hard rain, the sounds of thunder and rain hitting my windows.

the air i breathe

2006-07-16T21:45:00.000-04:00

Isaiah 30:18-21
But the Lord still waits for you to come to him so he can show you love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them.

O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will be gracious if you ask for help. He will respond instantly to the sound of your cries. Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and affliction for drink. He will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes, and hear a voice say, 'This is the way; turn around and walk here.'

John 6:5,6
Jesus soon saw a great crowd of people climbing the hill, looking for him. Turning to Philip, he asked, 'Philip, where can we buy bread to feed all these people?' He was testing Philip, for he already knew what he was going to do.

I was encouraged/challenged by these words today.

let's talk

2006-07-14T18:12:00.000-04:00

so in the past week i've gotten a flat tire and spilled burning hot soup in my lap. apparently i'm more accident-prone as of late.

in other news, i got a new book today, which i couldn't resist cracking open. (i LOVE new books.)

From The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard:
"Jesus and his words have never belonged to the categories of dogma or law, and to read them as if they did is simply to miss them. They are essentially subversive of established arrangements and ways of thinking."

"(Jesus' words) invade our 'real' world with a reality even more real than it is...."

i see a generation rising up...

2006-07-09T17:32:00.000-04:00

... no longer accepting lies,
running to the battlefield
they're losing their lives

i see a generation rising up,
no longer accepting lies,
as the band of worshippers runs to the battlefield
they're finding their lives,
finding their lives...

there's a song by bethany dillon, a voice calling out, that hits me at the heart every time i hear it. lately i've been listening to that song, i don't know if it's to remind myself or what.

this morning i was about ready to hop on a plane to africa or asia or wherever. for a few reasons.
the past couple weeks i've sat in on a class for high schoolers, and they're going through a curriculum done by International Justice Mission, an organization that rescues the poor and oppressed from situations they would otherwise be trapped in indefinitely. this curriculum is really neat i think, because it tells the stark truth of suffering around the world-kids trapped in slave labor, girls in prostitution, corrupt police beating innocent people, the list goes on.... so i watched the video this week with them, and heard the things the book discusses, and my heart pounds and my mind races with the opportunity this lesson presents to raise up a generation of people who won't ignore the hurting, who won't get wrapped up in things and comfort and see the hurting as far away and foreign. but then the video ends and life goes on.

and the thing is, i wasn't where i am when i was in high school. i wasn't where i am a year ago. but it's still frustrating to me to feel so intensely about something, to want to make it real for others so they understand that these are real people too, that they need our prayers, they need our God, but to feel so stifled by the seeming discomfort that intensity raises in people. i need the grace to be an advocate for the people God has broken my heart for, because i think that's what i should be doing while i'm here.

yesterday i was working with a friend who is an activist. she had left the water running, and i semi-teasingly asked out loud who'd left the water running while there are children dying of no water in africa. she responded that there's always a drought in africa and that she's more worried about things like oil and the u.s. addiction to it. it was hard for me to see how someone could consider the oil "crisis" more serious than children dying because they're thirsty. but it's far away, and we don't know those children, have never seen those children, and it's on the news all the time. we're so numb to the horrible truth of poverty around the world.

then the sermon this morning, given by a missionary in the dominican republic, spoke about sacrifice and generosity. he said the biggest danger for christians in america is prosperity.

so all of these things are swirling around in my head, and i feel so guilty being here, hearing about what i know goes on abroad. it makes me desire to live my life in this time as faithfully and obediently as possible, to not neglect God's plan for me in this time just because i'm not living in a slum in another country. so i keep asking God to show me how he wants me to use my time here.

sometimes i am all over the place.