i can't sleep

i got ready for bed only to lay there, thinking. ugh. so then i called court, which helped. but then i still just didn't feel sleepy. because of my thinking. so here i sit, awake and knowing i have to be at work in a handful of hours. oh well.

i made that calzone on new year's eve. isn't it pretty?

let's jump out the window.

i love this song for multiple reasons. take a listen. enjoy.

Australia The Shins
Born to multiply,
Born to gaze into night skies,
When all you want’s one more Saturday.
Well look here, until then
They gonna buy your life’s time
So keep your wick in the air and your feet in the fetters
‘Til the day...
You come in doing cartwheels
We all crawl out by ourselves
And your shape on the dance floor
Will have me thinking such filth I’ll gouge my eyes.

You be damned to be one of us, girl,
Faced with the dodo’s conundrum
I felt like I could just fly
But nothing happened every time I tried.

Oh duotone on the wall
The selfless fool who hoped he’d save us all never dreamt of such sterile hands.
You keep them folded in your lap,
Or raise them up to beg for scraps,
You know, he's holding you down
With the tips of his fingers just the same.
Will you be pulled from the ocean,
But just a minute too late,
Or changed by a potion,
And find a handsome young mate
For you to love.

You'll be damned to pining through the windowpanes,
You know you'd trade your life for any ordinary Joe’s,
Well do it now or grow old.
Your nightmares only need a year or two to unfold.

Been alone since you were twenty-one,
You haven't laughed since January.
You try and make like this is so much fun,
But we know it to be quite contrary.

La la la la la la la
Dare to be one of us, girl,
Facing the android's conundrum,
I felt like I should just cry,
But nothing happens every time I take one on the chin,
You Himmler and your code,
You don't know how long I've been,
Watching the lantern dim,
Starved of oxygen,
So give me your hand,
And let's jump out the window.

you take me the way i am

"We must not despise what little we have to give to what seems a bottomless pit. In the hands and prayers of Jesus and in turning to face the poor it is enough. Miracles can happen when we risk what we have. Indeed, risking what we have to find life and Christ among the poor is required to take poverty personally and turn crowds into community."
-Ashley Barker Finding Life

"The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community... but the person who who loves those around them will create community." -Shane Claiborne Irresistible Revolution

oh tie me to the end of a kite

it's the first day of a new year. appropriately spent, i think, in sweatpants with coffee by my side, reflecting on the past 12 months and looking ahead to hopes, dreams, goals of the year to come.

the past year was, in summation, good. :)
some examples:
running a half marathon
running a full marathon
visiting cities like chicago, st. louis, nashville, boston and seeing good friends
a new (ridiculously lovely) job
learning lessons, sometimes hard, sometimes good, most times both
new friends, deeper relationships with preexisting ones
lots of wonderful chats over coffee with amazing friends
so many good things...

it's weird how hard new year's eve is for me, every year for as long as i can remember. i'm not extremely nostalgic, so it's not as if i hate to see the old year go. in fact, i love the freshness that a new year brings... so much renewed hope and the excitement of the unknown. and a lot can happen in a year... this past was a good example of that. but each year, maybe it's just the pressure to make it happy and good and exciting, that one night just ends of bearing down on me in an unpleasant way. not to say that my ringing in the new year festivities weren't fun- they were- it's more in my head.

i went to some friends' house and we made food and chilled. it was nice.
the Christmas season was nice, too, primarily spending time with friends and family. i have to admit i was a little relieved when the actual holiday ended, but the low-key visits, shared meals and beverages and chats with friends were rejuvenating.

overall i'm hoping for another good year. here's to taking it a day at a time, thinking less about self and loving others more. cheers :)

it really is (a wonderful life)

Christmas eve has arrived. i went to a nice little pre-Christmas party this evening, and this afternoon i saw Enchanted with my love Court as well as two new little friends.

i haven't felt very Christmassy this season... i'm not sure why. it's not that i've felt non-Christmassy, i've just felt like i do the rest of the year, but colder :) i really think part of it has to do with not doing much gift giving/thinking this year. partly because i can't afford it and partly because i'm trying out relational giving and diy gifts. so tomorrow i've got some crafting to do. and i must say i've received a few handmade gifts this season and i LOVE them. i'm very impressed with my friends' abilities.

i was thinking tonight about the upcoming year, and i realized i think about it too much. i've put a lot of stock into this ideal "next year" when things will be the way i want, when i will feel right, when i will live where i want, when i will never say anything stupid and will never have strangeness or hurt in friendship... i have made next year into something it cannot be. i realized tonight that next fall i may still not know where to go overseas, that i will most definately still have broken human relationships, that i will say things i regret, that i will most likely still want to fix all kinds of things about myself. i think there's a great deal to be said for optimism, for hope... but there's also something to be said for contentment and trust, for waiting (some more) on God's timing. so, my goal for Christmas and the days to come is to make the most of each day, to love those in my life, to allow God to take my brokenness and make it whole. and i'm still gonna pray for His direction on where to go (and when) :)

Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel

i've been reading through some of the old testament prophets. so when we sang o come, o come Emmanuel this morning during worship the lines about ransomed Israel had more significance to me. i think too, not just because of my reading, but because i see the ways i am so much like Israel, and how my country is so much that way, too. i long for both myself and my land to be ransomed by Emmanuel.

it's rainy and chilly and i love it. it is an appropriate weather day for the way i am feeling; kind of thoughtful and like i'd be most content to sit in an optimally lit room ;) and be comfy with a book and journal :) i think i just made my afternoon plans. heheh.

i went and visited a new place for sunday morning "corporate worship" today. it was beautiful, both the building and the service. personal, real, reverent. lovely. we talked about advent, and waiting on God. we did lectio divina, which is a kind of guided meditation through a passage of scripture. i've done that once before, corporately, with my servant team two years ago. i got so excited when she said that's what we would be doing and that this way the holy spirit would basically minister an individual sermon to each of us. so, yeah, it was lovely.

do you ever just feel like you don't fit? i've been feeling like that these days....
randomness.

a perfect love is a world without hunger

"many people are talking about the poor, but very few talk to the poor." -mother teresa

the snow is falling like forgiveness from the sky

my roomie and i put up our Christmas tree last night.  it looks quite cozy in our little living room.  if only we had a fire burning.  and snow fell this morning, our first snow that stuck.

i heard yesterday that 30% of the US homeless is youth- 18 years and under.  that's a lot.  most of them are with their mothers, but then some are runaways or castaways.  sometimes i just think about how many people are suffering and how great the need is for people who care in the world.  i imagine if every single person just cared about one other person, how amazing that would be....  and then i get overwhelmed, and then i remember that i'm only being obedient, and i can only do what God has given me to do.

i remember a few years ago i heard about a prayer that asks, "let my heart be broken with the things that break the heart of God."  i began praying that earnestly after i heard it, and my heart has been breaking ever since.  but it reminds me of two things: how incredibly broken the heart of our Father must be and how grateful i am that we have hope beyond here, beyond feeding the hungry and rescuing the oppressed and housing the orphans.  those are only temporary fixes and the hurt goes so much deeper.  only Jesus can mend those hurts, and i am so thankful that He can and does.

When your culture is so set in it's ways

today is the first day of the advent season. the root of advent means "to come," as in the coming of Jesus. look into the advent conspiracy's website... it's a great idea.

i've had a lot on my mind lately... i just finished Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne after putting it off for several years, assuming it was another trendy book with no real truth. but truth is has! i highly recommend it, especially if you want to get all confused and frustrated and disturbed :) perhaps more so than you may already be. but yeah, it made me think a lot, about a lot, and become more convinced of things i already thought and solidly convinced of things i had considered but not fully committed to.

in other news... i love this season, the chill in the air, scarves and hats and hot beverages... the lights inside and out. it's just so lovely. i think i fear it only because i don't like driving in the snow, but what a silly, small reason to dislike something so beautiful otherwise. so, i'm getting over it.

i've had a very relaxing, restful and productive weekend. i've had several cups of coffee while reading in glowy rooms ;) and am feeling more and more a sense of peace and of urgency- all at once.

who made up all the rules?

i love fall. i love that it's here. and i fear it's being overtaken by winter.... but until then, i will stare at bright fuscia and yellow trees against a blue grey sky while running or driving and risk tripping or wrecking, just to soak in as much as possible. i was in a blogging mood, i think after looking at courtney's blog... it comes and goes.

raise your hopeful voice

sigh. that's how i'm feel right now... just... sigh. not a sigh of happiness or sadness, i think mainly a sigh of contentment. what a good (and foreign) thing that is to me. for the past couple of weeks i have felt unusually peaceful. but it's also kind of a weird numb feeling... it's just strange, really.

i think last time i updated i'd recently seen precious courtney. the following weekend i got to see my other precious, jill. i think seeing those two back to back really aided in my contentment. just talks we had and realizations i came to and encouragement i received and insights we shared... they kinda reshaped the way i've been seeing this time in my life. i was listening to "these friends of mine" by rosie thomas on my way to see jill... the chorus says, "maybe i needed this time to remind myself," it just kinda clicked with me, that maybe this time is partly for me to remind myself, to be reminded of the friendships i am blessed by and to see the importance of those. i was having coffee with some old friends from high school and one of them was talking about how he wouldn't want to be married right now- he said, "if i was married, i couldn't do this." he was so matter of fact. and i think in a lot of ways, he's right. somehow my friends who are married don't seem as young as my single friends. and it reminded me how thankful i really am for my independence, for my friendships, for feeling young and for being free to do what i want when i want. how cool is that? and i have a handful of girls in my life, that when i imagined us all marrying off and assuming those new roles, it made me so sad. hopefully it won't be that way, but in the meantime i appreciate so much those relationships and times together.

and since seeing jill... hmm. well, i turned 25, and it was a decent day. i got to talk to some people i really love, celebrate with friends and family.... and then friday two of my friends threw a surprise party for me, and i was so surprised! i was kind of overwhelmed by the kindness of it all, and how i didn't really deserve any of it, but those feelings didn't take away from having an amazing time and feeling so loved and loving people in my life so much.

and i've had some rest this weekend, too. and i saw Once with my apartment-mate :) that movie left me kind of speechless. and now i'm wallowing in the soundtrack and reliving all of the emotions it evoked in me. it was so beautiful, and emotional, and realistic. it was wonderful.

i just registered for my first marathon. i can't decide if i'm crazy or not. i think i'll be alright... the half marathon was thoroughly enjoyable for me, so i thought maybe a full marathon would be, perhaps slightly less enjoyable, but more challenging, which i consider a good thing. keeps me on my toes. :)

welp i've got some things to do before heading back to work tomorrow. i'm sure i'll have more thoughts soon. i rarely run out.

it's that heat...

another hot one. i didn't think i was someone to hide in air conditioning- when people began complaining about how hot it was in may i just laughed and questioned them, saying it's gonna get hotter. but there's something supremely unpleasant about walking out your door at near 8a.m. and it already being so uncomfortably thick in the air. i love the fresh cool of morning, and lately, it's just not.

i've got three clients right now with apartments waiting for them. i think i get as excited as them sometimes. it's things like that, and like this afternoon when we drove around looking for any and everyone homeless, on the street, in the woods, under bridges, and giving them water. we all had a sense of urgency about it, too. it's so dangerous for them, and a lot of them just don't take care of themselves, so they stay out in it. we lost a client, potentially to the heat, over the weekend. i was one of the last people to try and engage him. i actually drove him from a respite home back down to the river after and hour and a half of tearful begging for him to stay where he was. my pleading only resulted in him lying next to my car on the sidewalk next to a bush while he waited for me to get his medicines. it's hard; they're adults, and they have the right to make decisions, even if we know better.

i was thinking about that today, and what it might be like to be a parent, and to experience anger at someone you care about only because they're making poor decisions for themselves. but being angry at them won't help them. so i made sure to let go of my anger before meeting up with the one who had incited it.

last weekend i met up with one of my bestest friends. we had such a good weekend. it was a nice mix of doing and not doing, of conversation, coffee and cheeseburgers. i love her so much, and she encouraged me. sometimes just having a really cool friend is encouraging in itself, like, hey, this person is cool and they'll be friends with me! hehe. but i am so thankful for her- and not just because she's cool (and she's the coolest.) and this weekend i'll get to see another friend i cherish, another encouragement in my life. it's friends like these that remind me i am not alone in the way my heart beats, my passions and desires, the things that i want to invest my life and i am convinced of.

lately i've felt very much like, here in this city, there aren't too many who see things the way i do. like i don't see the point of a nice church building, or nice equipment, or a good, aesthetically and experientially pleasing service. i think the church's concern should be God and His people- each generation discipling the generation after it, and all of them working together to reach and love in their communities, and the surrounding ones. i think the church should be seeking God's face, studying scripture, and talking about hard things, and bringing in broken people. i think we should evaluate, together, how we spend our money, where we live, what cars we drive, how we use our resources. i think we should meet and talk about the depth of life- the hard, sometimes sad, sometimes embarrassing things that people don't like to talk about. i am so tired. i don't like feeling like i stay in a church only because i need to be a voice for change, an advocate for the poor, and encouragement to the handful of young people who want something more than comfortable, arm's length from suffering religion. i want more than that. i want to get my hands dirty, to take up my cross, to enter into life and suffering with people, and to share the hope of Jesus with all. i am tired of feeling like i am alone in those desires here in this city. or that i'm distanced from others who feel the same but also feel powerless and discouraged by the predominant comfort gospel that is taught and modeled.

all that not to say that others are wrong or right. or that i'm wrong or right. it's just how i feel. and i know that a lot of why i think things i do is because others have been the voice of change and advocate for the poor in my life, and many of them i've encountered through the church. but i just question how dirty hands can get, or even want to, when they're a good 15 miles from the dirt.

silence is loud, humility is so proud

it's hot. as blazes, perhaps. the heat made me, in a strange way want to hibernate today. i wanted to avoid the penetrating sun and stay very very still in an effort to not sweat anymore. i spent some time this evening in my roommate's room, where the air conditioning unit is stationed and blasting cool air.

i was thinking today how i wanted to get a new journal, and do some thinking on paper. recently my beloved friend court asked if the blog was a wash, and i thought it was, but then when considering buying a journal, i thought, why not just start blogging again? so i think i will supplement my no-journal-having-time with the blog. it may continue, it may not. where it stops, no one knows. ha.

so, life. i'll be another year older in a couple of weeks. i'm not terribly excited about it. i suppose i should be thankful for another year of life, which i am. and there are lots of things to be thankful for, but just the thought of getting older and not necessarily being quite where i'd hoped are butting heads in my mind. but maybe that will always be a possibility, and maybe i just need to learn to take life as it comes and to be content in all circumstances.

anyway, enough with trying to explain something i can't. i'm reading Under the Overpass right now, about a guy who'd been raised comfortably in a Christian environment, and one day at church wondered what he was doing at church when he'd driven by all of these suffering lost people on his way there. so he decided to put his faith to the test and see if he really did believe God when he had nothing as well as when he was comfortable. it's been really interesting, reading his accounts of the streets- his realizations, questions, struggles and blessings. i decided to read it because of my job, i thought it'd be food for thought, and it has been. he's made me again consider the perspective of the homeless, and also the role of the church. i think i was on a thought path that Christ followers couldn't just come down to the inner city once a year and feed the homeless and share the gospel, or come down once and pick up a homeless person, take them to church and drop them back off in the hood; that their "remembering the poor" needed to be consistent, a lifestyle. otherwise it was just a limp attempt at checking it off a list. i do think that that's true, in part. i think churches should be a presence in the poor parts of town the way social services are- that they should actually be doing (and hopefully better) what the social services are doing. but the guy who wrote the book talks about how blessed he is by random meals given to him, usually by Christian individuals or church groups, and most of those aren't by consistent people. usually it's a one time deal. so i think i can't say people shouldn't just come down once and share food and Christ, but i think it's safe to say it would be better if it wasn't just a one time thing.

i think i've had a hard time balancing compassion/professionalism, trying to figure out how to represent Jesus and still do my job.... how do you empower and not enable people, how do you have compassion for people while still telling them hard things, like "i can't really do anything, you just need a job"? some people that i encounter are really difficult because they've spent their lives working the social service system. they know the right words to get connected to services, to an extent. their fraud will eventually be exposed, and they'll be back in the same spot, but it's hard. it makes me skeptical of a lot of individuals who come through the doors seeking assistance, and i think it makes me frustrated at them, and the system, because of resources being wasted on people who are just looking for an easy way out- a housing voucher and a disability check- no bills and no work. so, in some ways i've become a little hardened to homelessness in the U.S. because of these things.

i think seeing and being aware of poverty around the world makes me feel less sad here. which maybe is a good thing, because just being sad all the time wouldn't help anyone. and i do tell people, "i can't do anything, you just need to get a job," and i continue to see them in the shelter and on the streets for months following. sometimes we have to take responsibility for ourselves. some people really can't do that- whether it's a substance abuse issue that goes back years and years or a mental illness that disables, these things require assistance in recovery. these people my heart does go out to more, but i still can't help but think of other countries, where poverty has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol or laziness, that it is oppressive not just by the welfare state and lack of funding, but by corrupt governments and systems that won't even allow people to get out of their poverty, no matter how hard they may work.

i think throughout my time at this new job i've just been seeing more and more how desperate out need is for redemption in the world. sometimes i want so bad for Jesus to come back, to declare loud and clear his hope, to replace the ashes with beauty, the shackles with diamonds. i would love to see some of my clients' faces when they hear it coming from His mouth. i guess i just have to continue to seek and serve and love God the best way i know how, and to beg for revolution and redemption in this world and in his church.

the leaves are green and new like a baby

three months isn't too long, is it?

today i received a hug from a 77 year old man who had been dumpster diving only moments before. and a kiss. (on the cheek, thank goodness). and two hawaiian punch-covered daffodils.

i was wondering what Jesus would think of him; how he would react to being in close proximity to this smelly little man who had no problem showing us some strange itchy rash on his shin. i was wondering when i look like this to Jesus?

it isn't okay for a 77 year old man to be dumpster diving.

i've just been thinking about him all day. and itching.

in time the snow will rise in time the Lord will rise

Last night I had friends over and we frosted Christmas cookies and watched Elf and enjoyed eachother. There are so many things I am thankful for during Christmas, like music and lights and being with friends and family. I remember last year on Christmas Eve being struck by how Christmas is a sad time for a lot of people- people that are suffering; have lost someone at this time of year that was close to them, parents that can't give their kids gifts, people that Christmas only means being alone and cold and hungry.... I remember sitting in my mom's backseat after my sister was talking about a friend of hers who was having her first Christmas without her mom, and I just sat there and cried. But then I remembered what Christmas really was- what the thing is that gets pushed behind the presents and trees and lights- the hope that is in God becoming man, becoming helpless and humble to know and experience what we do. I am so thankful for that hope.

I had an interview the other day with a job that seems too good to be true. I'm praying it's not. :)

I saw Over the Rhine's Christmas concert last weekend and it was lovely, and then two days later they came to find me at Starbucks! (They heard I make the best gingerbread latte in town.) Just kidding. But they did come in.

A new year is on it's way. I can't believe it. I feel like Karen and Linford put it well....
Happy Christmas.

Darlin’ (Christmas Is Coming)
(Words and Music: Detweiler)

So it’s been a long year
Every new day brings one more tear
Till there’s nothing left to cry

My, my how time flies
Like little children hiding their eyes
We’ll make it disappear
Let’s start a brand new year

Darlin’ Christmas is coming
Salvation army bells are ringing
Darlin’ Christmas is coming
Do you believe in angels singing
Darlin’ the snow is falling
Falling like forgiveness from the sky

If I could have anything
What would I want this new year to bring
Well, I’d want you here with me

Tear these thorns from my heart
Help the healing to start
Let’s set this old world free
Let’s start with you and me

snowflakes in the air, carols everywhere

once again, it's been too long. i missed thanksgiving. it was so good. i ran the thanksgiving day race, spent the afternoon with family and the evening with friends.

i can't believe i haven't posted since i went to boston. that seems like forever ago. that's the thing about this year. time is flying, but everything seems like so long ago. strange.

i had an interview today. it was fine i guess, except that i was wondering most of the time if i should just stop wasting the girl's time and tell her i really don't like what i'm hearing please let me leave. but i stuck it out and rejoiced when her superior was not available to meet with me.

it snow flurried this morning. it was glittery and beautiful. i'm excited for winter and Christmassy things like decorating my apartment and winter coats and scarves.

i drove to new york, in a van, with my friend

actually in a car, with my friendS.

roadtrips are blogworthy. apparently the innnerworkings of the coffee shop life aren't.

i went to boston and new york this past weekend to see kendra with a few friends. we flew with buddy passes, which was pretty sweet. boston's beautiful and hanging out with old and new friends and wandering through these cool cities was so fun. we went to rockport in boston which is so picturesque and visited downtown boston and went to ny to see the marathon. good times.

it's things like this past weekend that make me happy for the way things are right now. it's such a blessing to be able to travel around with friends and see sights. especially pretty ones like these :)

it could bend or it could break

i am a below average blog poster. i don't know when it happened; i used to be pretty good about posting. probably a combination of shaky internet connections and less time has made me said below average poster. i'm alright with it, though.

last weekend i went to st. louis. it was so wonderful-and sad when it ended. what a fun group it was; we wandered from coffee shop to restaurant to some other funky little shop and back to court's apartment. it was good hangout and reunion time. i got to see jara, who i haven't seen in a year. i didn't feel like it, though. and it was so fun to celebrate courtney's birthday and just be with her again. and the road trip was fun. good times.




i'm working ten days in a row. i'm almost halfway through. i think once i'm through the weekend it's all down hill. come on, monday morning.

i'm trying to decide what to do with myself. it's really hard. the coffee shop life is becoming more monotonous than anything else. i feel like i have nothing compelling me. or maybe i do, i just am not finding things that fit what i want. this is a strange time in life. i feel stagnant, but also not. what should i be doing with my time? what could i have done differently today? am i being selfish with my time? i think i am to an extent. but it's so hard to do things alone. i'm overwhlemed by time and opportunity right now. and lack of direction. i guess it could be worse :)

it's the little things that seem to be getting me today

i thanked some woman for drawing my blood yesterday. what a strange thing to thank someone for. she was wearing a shirt that read, "i Vant to draw your bloood." clever :)

it's been a while, i know. i have the best of intentions, and keep thinking i should sit down and write on here, but then i think of something else i could do. plus my internet's a little shaky, but that'll be remedied as soon as i figure out my new router's password.

things are good. i think that's what keeps me from writing on here. work is keeping me busy (sometimes a little too), and i've had some things like a brasilian visitor and small group activities that keep things going. i had the opportunity to go to thailand and cambodia a couple weeks ago, or i had to make the decision a couple weeks ago, and that was a hard thing. it was the strangest thing to realize i actually didn't want to go. after all this time of feeling like all i wanna do is get outta town, and i turn down this opportunity. but i've felt really good about my decision. i think it's taken so long to be content here, and i was worried that was the same as comfort, but i don't think it is. and i finally am content; i really love where i'm living, i love my little group of friends, and i like the freedom and opportunity i feel in this time. some days i like it less, and the unkown seems overwhelming and suffocating, but more than that these days i'm trying to just take each day for what it is and make the most of it. i've started thinking about going back to school. when i talk to people about that the response is encouraging.

i love my little place. i love that i get to make it mine, to clean it and make it feel homey- it's fun cooking and hanging out and hosting people here. this weekend one night i didn't stay here, and i missed it and longed to be back here. what a good feeling. i told court i would put up some new pics of the apt, now that it's a little more lived in. come visit!

freedom hangs like heaven over everyone

it's monday, but saturday for me. that's one of the minuses of an unusual job: unsual hours/days. so my weekend this week is monday and wednesday. i'm excited for having the whole day to get things done. even on days when i open and am off by 2, i need time to recover, which ends up cutting more time out of the day.

the apt is coming along. we've been doing little decorative and finishing touch type things the past week, and each little thing makes it more like home and more pleasant to come back to at the end of the day. i'm still overwhelmed with time on my hands, even on days that i work, and i'm trying to figure out things to do with my time so i feel less like i'm just killing time between shifts. there were a couple nights last week when i felt like jennifer lopez in the wedding planner when she comes back to her quiet apartment at the end of her work day and prepares a nice meal and sits down with her tv tray in front of the tv to have her lonely dinner. ha. i never really watched tv before i moved here, but there's something about the quiet and even a couple hours alone that lands me there, watching sitcoms on dvd. sad. haha.

having so much alone time has made me a better runner, in that i find myself with nothing else to do, so i do it. and my town is cute to run in.

i'm not really down today, but that's what seems to be coming out. so i'll just leave it at that, and try to be more upbeat next time. happy day.

so let go, jump in

the hardest things about roadtrips are a) unpacking and b) battling the semis on the highways... especially in the rain.
but those things don't hold a candle to the reason for the road trip. i got to hang out with courtney this weekend in her new city, and i must say we really did make the most of it. we had good talks, saw good music, had coffee and pizza and cheeseburgers (not all at once), went for walks and talked lots. it was so good.

i just watched garden state with my roommate, jess. i love that movie so much.

i love the part where andrew says to albert, "hey albert, good luck exploring the infinite abyss." and then albert's like, "you too."

in small group we're studying acts. the first thing that stood out to me when i read it, and came up in discussion tonight, is in verses 4 and 5 of chapter 1. Jesus tells his disciples not to leave Jerusalem, but to wait. He tells them in a few days they'll receive the Holy Spirit and then be able to be witnesses around the world. to me it translated into my life in terms of waiting for whatever it is i'm waiting for, and being prepared for, and just kind of showed that even Jesus wasn't like, "hurry up and get out of town, what are you waiting for?!" i like that.

i leave you tonight with a quote from serendipity... a great fall film to watch with your dear friend while eating brownies.
"Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, it is a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan."

changes come

my life has been defined by change as of late. nothing too big; but change nonetheless. there's of course the moving out of my parent's house, and i was promoted at work and have been learning all that new stuff. i got my keys to the store today. it felt important. and some new friends have moved away, and i don't think that would have affected me the same, but with moving out i've felt lonely and keep wondering, who can i call? :)

today i was struck by how thankful i should be for my job, and am not. i have so much fun at work, and usually it goes fast; and now with my promotion i can afford to live, so what more could i want for right now?

i had this major sense of development in the air today after i talked to my friend jill. her, my friend courtney and i are somehow oddly enough doing very similar things (though not intentionally) in different places. it's very interesting. and new opportunities, or exciting ones that we've talked about, have been bringing themselves up recently, and i feel like that's something.

i'm just feeling very thankful today, and happy. and maybe a little tired.

i'm going to st. louie this weekend to visit my dearest courtney. i'm so excited.

room to make the big mistakes

what a past couple of days this has been.

i am officially moved into my new apartment. i'm excited but it's been stressful and annoying packing and toting and unpacking and all that. but i'm hoping it'll be good once i'm settled. it was a fun feeling to come home to my own place with my groceries tonight and my neighbor just stopped by to say hello and welcome us!

here's a couple "before" photos of the new apt. the first is of the movers pulling the couch over the balcony because it wouldn't fit up the stairs. hehe.






i also went to a lake house with some friends this past weekend and got to go to a red's game last week on a beautiful night, and they won!

don'cha

i got back yesterday from a very fun and relaxing weekend in south carolina. i went with three of my friends from school to visit our friend meredith.

jill spilled her chips on the car seat and decided to just eat them.


this is how fast we were going for an hour and a half in an unexplained traffic jam.


and when we finally made it, there were lots of movies and lots of good food including a delicious breakfast prepared by meredith's new hubby! fun times. i love these girls!

thanks for the memory

my 23rd year: a summary.

well, my 23rd year began in a whirlwind of packing and arguing with the brasilian consulate in order to have my visa in time to fly out. i said goodbyes, cried a good bit, and hopped on a plane for one of the best experiences of my life with then strangers who have now become treasured friends. i came home to snow on the ground and an anxious family who didn't realize someone different would step off the plane. i had inner struggles with comfort and the materialism of the holiday season. i started working, my first non-student job, and went slightly wacky. but the wackiness was ameliorated by a now dear friend who shared much of what was constantly on my heart and mind. and then i "co-started" a small group for other confused quarter-lifers, not knowing this group would become my primary social outlet and, also, dear friends :) i began a different job, one that i could enjoy and would feel temporary, and found a volunteer outlet that looks like it may be good.

23 was full of extreme joy and deep sadness of all types. i learned a lot of lessons, about myself, my God, and his people. i changed. i made lots of new friends that i wouldn't be the same without, and grew in relationships with those i already knew and loved. overall, this year was full of the unknown in more ways than most years in the past. it was frustrating a lot and consistently good. i'm thankful for all of it.

i'm hopeful for what 24 will bring.

food glorious food

i hate when i close at work and i come home hungry. it's so bad to eat at midnight, and the only things that ever sound good are not particularly healthful.

i made an appointment to get my hair cut. i'm bored with it. any suggestions? maybe i'll be daring. this time last year i was daring and regretted, oh, for about 6 months.

The Divine Conspiracy is really good, if you were wondering.

i'm over halfway through Anna Karenina, and it's really good too. i need to try and just read one book at a time.

clearly i have nothing of substance to post.

measure in love

welp, i "signed my life away" so to speak this afternoon. and i am excited. i am now the pleased renter of apt #3 on minot avenue. it's the cutest little place, just right for 2 girls under 5'3" :) (seriously, the doorways and the shower wouldn't be conducive to anyone taller.) so that's pretty big.

the other day i was with a friend from work, and she was asking me what i'm doing. what're my plans? going back to school? management? a different job? questions like that are so hard for me, cuz i feel like such a lump answering them... well, no, i'm not looking for a better job and no i don't want to go to grad school. or i feel like a mystic... i feel like i'm supposed to wait and this is where i'm supposed to be right now. so i got all worked up about that: what AM i doing? i need to get moving on SOMETHING!

then this morning i sat in on the class for high schoolers, and the lesson was on serving an audience of one. what a lovely reminder. all the things i feel pressure to do, to have answers for that i don't right now, are pressures i put on myself to please other people. i'm worried about what my life looks like to others; and not in terms of if they see Jesus, but i don't want them to see a loser, or a slacker, or a willy nilly silly girl :) but, i really do feel like this is right right now. trust me, me and God have plenty of talks about what the heck is going on in my life. but he keeps reassuring me and giving me peace and patience, and he keeps lighting that fire in me, giving me glimpses of what's to come.

in the words of jars of clay, Jesus' blood never failed me yet. :)

mais que nada

highlights of the day:
-helping with a "vbs" for african refugee kids. hearing them speak their languages. being hung from, having my hair pulled every which way, my nose ring pulled out, things thrown at my head. seriously, it was glorious.
-working at a starbucks other than my own and it going well and fast
-meeting a brasilian man and getting to talk to him for a minute
-singing at the top of my lungs to patty's "chief"... especially the part where she says i wish that you could see me when i'm flying in my dreams, the way i laugh, the way i flyyyyy...

in summation, a meaningful day.

my hips don't lie

classic friends quote:
"rachel, no you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. it did not taste good."

and it was good to be alive

sometimes i let situations dictate if i'm happy or sad.

i need to just enjoy this time in life.

one fun development is my moving out of my house :) i'm a little nervous because money'll be tight, but i'm looking forward to living out the lifestyle decisions i made while in rio. and i'm excited to be an independent woman (throw your hands up at me). we're gonna hopefully look at places next week. we shall see!

a girl at work today had written me a card. it was so sweet. i'm really enjoying my job, hanging out with coworkers outside of work and things. i have starbucks friends :)

life is so weird.

rows and rows of big dark clouds

oh how i love me a summer storm.
i love how my dog gets scared and follows me around, shaking and barely wimpering.
i love the colors of the sky and the urge in me to find a hoodie sweatshirt and a thick book and take advantage of this moment.
i love the feeling of warm air and cool mist from the hard rain, the sounds of thunder and rain hitting my windows.

the air i breathe

Isaiah 30:18-21
But the Lord still waits for you to come to him so he can show you love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them.

O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will be gracious if you ask for help. He will respond instantly to the sound of your cries. Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and affliction for drink. He will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes, and hear a voice say, 'This is the way; turn around and walk here.'

John 6:5,6
Jesus soon saw a great crowd of people climbing the hill, looking for him. Turning to Philip, he asked, 'Philip, where can we buy bread to feed all these people?' He was testing Philip, for he already knew what he was going to do.

I was encouraged/challenged by these words today.

let's talk

so in the past week i've gotten a flat tire and spilled burning hot soup in my lap. apparently i'm more accident-prone as of late.

in other news, i got a new book today, which i couldn't resist cracking open. (i LOVE new books.)

From The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard:
"Jesus and his words have never belonged to the categories of dogma or law, and to read them as if they did is simply to miss them. They are essentially subversive of established arrangements and ways of thinking."

"(Jesus' words) invade our 'real' world with a reality even more real than it is...."

i see a generation rising up...

... no longer accepting lies,
running to the battlefield
they're losing their lives

i see a generation rising up,
no longer accepting lies,
as the band of worshippers runs to the battlefield
they're finding their lives,
finding their lives...

there's a song by bethany dillon, a voice calling out, that hits me at the heart every time i hear it. lately i've been listening to that song, i don't know if it's to remind myself or what.

this morning i was about ready to hop on a plane to africa or asia or wherever. for a few reasons.
the past couple weeks i've sat in on a class for high schoolers, and they're going through a curriculum done by International Justice Mission, an organization that rescues the poor and oppressed from situations they would otherwise be trapped in indefinitely. this curriculum is really neat i think, because it tells the stark truth of suffering around the world-kids trapped in slave labor, girls in prostitution, corrupt police beating innocent people, the list goes on.... so i watched the video this week with them, and heard the things the book discusses, and my heart pounds and my mind races with the opportunity this lesson presents to raise up a generation of people who won't ignore the hurting, who won't get wrapped up in things and comfort and see the hurting as far away and foreign. but then the video ends and life goes on.

and the thing is, i wasn't where i am when i was in high school. i wasn't where i am a year ago. but it's still frustrating to me to feel so intensely about something, to want to make it real for others so they understand that these are real people too, that they need our prayers, they need our God, but to feel so stifled by the seeming discomfort that intensity raises in people. i need the grace to be an advocate for the people God has broken my heart for, because i think that's what i should be doing while i'm here.

yesterday i was working with a friend who is an activist. she had left the water running, and i semi-teasingly asked out loud who'd left the water running while there are children dying of no water in africa. she responded that there's always a drought in africa and that she's more worried about things like oil and the u.s. addiction to it. it was hard for me to see how someone could consider the oil "crisis" more serious than children dying because they're thirsty. but it's far away, and we don't know those children, have never seen those children, and it's on the news all the time. we're so numb to the horrible truth of poverty around the world.

then the sermon this morning, given by a missionary in the dominican republic, spoke about sacrifice and generosity. he said the biggest danger for christians in america is prosperity.

so all of these things are swirling around in my head, and i feel so guilty being here, hearing about what i know goes on abroad. it makes me desire to live my life in this time as faithfully and obediently as possible, to not neglect God's plan for me in this time just because i'm not living in a slum in another country. so i keep asking God to show me how he wants me to use my time here.

sometimes i am all over the place.

there's always time

it's been a while. and i really have nothing to say. i just felt neglectful and took action. so that's what this is. the police never came, by the way, to investigate the fire. i've had two very summery days-hanging out with friends, going out for lunch and dinner, relaxing at the poo... (i know i left the l off.) so yeah, that's about it.

:)

no we didn't light it

but we tried to fight it... :)

hahaha so i was making a delicious dinner when the burner on the stove started smoking a lot and eventuallly became orange flames. at first i was like, don't worry dad, i cooked over flames in rio all the time, and turned off the burner... but the flames continued. and then we were like how do we put out a stove top fire? so my dad sprays water on it. oh dad... that's the last thing you should do. so the flames grow higher. i suggest baking soda; my dad puts a lid over the fire to suffocate it.... i pick up the phone and begin dialing 911 as the flames increase, just to ask how to put out this little fire. cuz i would hate for the house to explode with the wrong move. some girls at miami had a major house fire that started with a burner. so as the phone starts ringing my dad decides to try the baking soda. within seconds the fire is out, i hang up the phone and move on. 911 calls me back wondering why i hung up. so now the police are on their way to see the stupid girl who called 911 because her burner caught fire. i am so lame.

what we take from this is what we'll get

i hip hopped it up tonight. what a fun and humorous hour it is each week. plus i get a little cardiovascular workout, which doesn't hurt. i also spent a good portion of the day at a coffee shop with a friend. fun times. we got to talking about life and stuff-how we are and all that. i am just so confused. i need someone to tell me either a) what to do or b) what i'm waiting for; because i don't know either and feel mostly useless. this song came on when i was running today that got me all pumped up, partly cuz it's fast and partly cuz the words just hit me right every time.

This Week the Trend
Relient K

And this week the trend
was to not wake up till 3pm
I picked the few conscious hours that I chose to spend
and slept away the rest of them

and this week the trend
was to crash and burn and then return again
to practice the life that I pretend
provides enough to get me through the weekend

so I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
and now it's this minute, this hour, this day

And this week the trend
was to backstab every single one of my friends
and leave a voicemail message trying to make amends
all the while hoping things work out in the end

and this week the trend
was to borrow all the strength that you could lend
to keep my head above the water and not descend
back to where I said I'd never go again

So I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
but after this day it's this week all over again

And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up
cause I know that I don't want to die
sitting around watching my life go by
and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet
because all of us are all too stuck
strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up

sos please someone help me...

erm, so i just got off work and am pretty much wide awake. looks like a potentially early morning bedtime for this girl. what a fun night i had at work... i love working with fun people. we sang, danced, talked in weird innacurate accents, and got out 20 minutes early! and now i am home, sitting here, wondering what to do with myself at 12:30 and WIRED. guess that's what you get working at a coffee shop. hmm.

other than that... i got nothin'.

I especially am slow

it's been a good week thus far. yesterday was the first day of summer. unfortunately i didn't realize this until i got to work at 3 and was stuck there until 11:30... i think i would have liked to do something summery, like swim, in honor of the day. oh well, i have most of the other days of summer still to come.

i have potentially found a volunteer opportunity helping with refugee resettlement, which i'm excited about. i have a couple friends who have done so in other cities and really loved it, so here's hopin', but if that doesn't work out, something else will. i feel like i keep having to remind myself of that with every little thing... my mind gets going and runs away with the littlest things, or big things, and i just have to say, "Jesus, I surrender it." and move on. it's been really refreshing to take this position with things i worry about; then i really can't sit around and try and figure out how i can make something happen or how i can work it out.... i am left to completely rely on Jesus. so i am currently trusting that things with jobs, serving, potentially moving out, life in general, will be right in the right time. until then, i surrender it.

i got the Cry yesterday, Word Made Flesh's advocacy journal. and two nights ago while looking for volunteer stuff i happened upon Amnesty International's website. What wonderful reminders of what makes my heart beat fast, of what makes my soul yearn to be a part of. i feel like God is gearing me up, reminding me of what he's revealed. don't forget them, he keeps saying. someday i'll be there again, and until then i pray for them and those who are there with them, representing Jesus.

turn the whole thing upside down

well friends, i've got my pictures uploaded. so, here's a couple from my time in sunny florida...


















and some from mere's wedding!

going to the chapel

this has been an extremely fun weekend of celebration and being around friends i love and haven't spent time with in a while. i even got to see some friends i haven't seen in years. my friend meredith got married last night- and what a party it was. the photographer said he'd never been to a better wedding. it really was perfect, from start to finish, including the days leading up. the weather was beautiful, the festivities were lighthearted with lots of laughing and memories (meredith evokes both), and the wedding itself was i think exactly the way God wanted it-focused on him and a true testament to real love. i plan on putting some pics up, but i can't seem to find the cord that connects my camera to my computer. so maybe next time.

i think another great thing about this weekend was that it really was a celebration. meredith was diagnosed with colon cancer three weeks ago and it's very advanced. she began chemo two weeks ago and starts back this week with aggressive treatments. the weekend had no underlying "meredith's sick" feel to it, which i am so thankful for. i think probably partly because when you're around her you forget she's sick. she's just very meredith.

so pray for mere and justin as they begin the exciting time of their life together, and for mere's miraculous healing.

When you do not know you know

I heard this song on my way home from work today. I thought it was interesting. The artisit's name is Mason Jennings. It's called Jesus Are You Real. (I don't think these lyrics are all right-I got them off of a random website, but you get the idea.)


Jesus are you real,
did we make you what
is salvation what you want or
is faith enough
do you know where I'm bound
or who I am
are you just a word I use
but don't understand,

Standing like a statue in the sea
in a little truckstop in Tennessee
and bombs are crashing down in waves
on a giant TV screen
and I am struck I cannot move
to make it stop what can I do
people are dying in their beds
while this flag flies over my head.

Jesus are you stronger than a loaded gun
I'm beginning to believe your're not the only one
strong enough to show your love
strong enough to give
strong enough to go through hell
strong enough to live

and all night I sat with you
in a darkened hospital room
and nurses checked in by the hour
I was made aware of a higher power
and how this fragile life is not ours to keep
but ours to give,
what in the world am I gonna do
if anything should happen to you

refrain
and all I do is doubt you God
all I do is love you God
all I do is question you
what else can I do
this world was never solid ground
the past is coming back around
all I do is search for you,
what else can I do?
and when I say I search for you
I mean I search for peace
I search for hope
I search for love
and one day for release

Jesus my life does not feel the same
new things happen everyday
things I can't explain
but I am not a man of faith
I'm a man of truth
but is this feeling in my heart
is this feeling proof

when you do not know you know
when you know you do not know
and when you think you do you die
and when you do not think you grow
are we left here in the dark
or are we left here in the dark
it seems to me that both are true
and its up to us to know what's right

Refrain

God give me strength to accept the things
that I just cannot know
and even when I lose control I will not let you go

there's no other way

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

I find myself again and again clinging to this promise. In all different seasons of my life, in various circumstances, these words remind me to trust, and surrender. I've been re-learning the trust/surrender lesson lately. I've been frustrated because I've been home from Rio for six months, and all I've got to show for it is my green starbucks apron. But when I get all bent out of shape about where I am, I find God telling me to wait. I know I'm being prepared for something. I feel myself needing to pray for something I don't know about, something that the spirit in me knows is right, and I don't even know what that is. It's like in Romans, when Paul says we don't know what to pray for but the holy spirit intercedes, that it groans, expressing things we can't put into words. I feel that way with several things in my life right now, with myself, and with the lives of friends, that my prayers have moved beyond my having words for them, that I just have to ask God to listen to my heart.

It's an awe-inspiring thing to me sometimes, to think that God listens to me and has a hopeful future set for me. Even after all these years and all my crumminess. I often feel guilty asking God for things my heart desires, because I don't deserve them. And i don't understand how my life is so beautiful and blessed, and I see the lives of others that are filled with such suffering and hurt. Why do I have so much love and comfort in my life? What does God plan to do with me, the way he has shaped me and placed me in this position and given me the passions and desires he has?

See I told you I had a lot of thinking time. ;)

long ride home

i'm home! and even with the rainy 60 degree weather, i'm happy to be home. there's a slight independence-less feeling, being on family vacation.

i had a lot of thinking time-on the rides to and from, and just lazing on the beach. it was overwhelming at times, thinking about everything that's going on in my life and the lives of friends. but i think it was good introspective time. we had beautful weather, and the beach in siesta key is so nice. i'll have some pictures soon i think. i got to read, talk to people, sleep :) it was good.

now back to life, but only for a few days before heading to muncie for my dear muffrey's wedding!! i'm excited about that. a grand ole time is to be had.

open road song

i'm traveling to florida tonight to stay for a week with my family in a friend's place. i'm excited for rest, sun, ocean and lots of reading. perhaps i'll catch up on my correspondence.

see you all when i get back.