Saturday, February 21, 2009

time keeps moving from a crawl to a run

a few weekends ago i drove to st. louis to visit courtney. the drive down was really beautiful, the world was all snow and ice and the sunset was incredible. i took some pictures from behind the wheel, which never capture the majesty of what you can see with your eyes, but i tried :)

the weather today reminds me of the dementors in harry potter.

i've been tired a lot lately. maybe partly from all the running; i could really go for a massage these days :) but i think too just from what lies ahead. i am facing decisions: moving out, moving on and what that looks like.... and the thought of it, the feeling of needing to be vigilant but also feeling somewhat resigned is an exhausting concoction. one minute i am making decisions with abandon, the next i want none of it. it's funny (in a twisted way) to see how much you appreciate and love when you begin to picture leaving it.

i was talking to a friend one night about a week ago, trying to summon the required something to send an email that could set change in motion. i was talking it out, and began to get way ahead of myself: talking about the logisitics and the realities and the difficulties of the day to day if these changes were to take place. she stopped me mid-thought and asked me if God had given me enough grace to send an email, because that's all i needed to do that day. and He had, and i did, and nothing exploded. i was refreshed and reminded that things are sustained in the day to day, and trying to solve something six months to a year from now that is unseen is fruitless.

i'm still working on not getting ahead of myself :)