tomorrow is a long time

today i noticed shortly after arriving at work that everything was pissing me off.  so i texted my roommate to see how she was doing today.  and she informed me that she too was not having the greatest day.  and she reminded me that two weeks ago today our dear friend meredith went on from this messy world.  

losing my friend has been a weird, hard, lonely, and all kinds of other things time.  

the morning i found out i had about 15 minutes of numbness, where i knew, even before reading the update, what had happened and was relieved for her, that she was no longer suffering.  

and then the reality of the situation set in.  i said what had happened to a coworker.  and a beautiful thing happened: my coworker cried with me.  and i was able to say things like i know mere is better off and that i'm not sad for her, i'm sad for the rest of us.

and in the past two weeks we have remembered mere, both through a service and through interactions with friends and family- no one was a stranger to her.  i have been blessed to see glimpses of the kingdom of heaven come here; through phone calls and visits and letters and offers of dinner and the support of friends.  

i got angry for a bit, or not angry, but really frustrated.  i longed so much for meredith to be healed, for redemption to come here on earth and not in heaven.  and then when it didn't happen that way i started to question how much redemption can come on earth.

last wednesday i watched a young yuppie married man pick up a prostitute in his new shiny red pickup truck in the middle of the day.  i felt the strangeness of walking through a drug infested neighborhood, and felt the absence of the church.  i spoke with individuals that i helped to get apartments last spring, only to be back in the shelter, run out by dope boys.  

and my question in all of that was, how much hope is there, really, here on earth.

and those questions lead into other questions about my own life, my prayers, my hopes and dreams.  i do not compartmentalize; when one thing comes loose everything else shifts.  

and then sunday someone spoke about the redemptive timeline.  he said we are in a time of already, but not yet.  the kingdom of heaven is come, but we are not yet finished with all of the messiness of the world.  

i've found myself envying meredith, and wanting so much to not have to hurt anymore, and not having to see the hurt all around me.  

but on sunday he also shared this verse, that has been coming up a lot lately.  

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4:12-13

i find myself with some renewed hope.  it comes and goes.  our suffering is to be expected.  but so is the glory that will be revealed.  i am still having a hard time finding words for my prayers. i think i don't know what to say, still.  and i know i am thinking differently, or more fervently, about a lot of other things.  

"The Lord is good to those who wait for him

to the soul who seeks him

It is good that one should wait quietly

for the salvation of the Lord.

it is good for a man that he bear

the yoke in his youth.

Let him sit alone in silence

when it is laid on him;

let him put his mouth in the dust-

there may yet be hope;"

Lamentations 3:25-29