it's that heat...

another hot one. i didn't think i was someone to hide in air conditioning- when people began complaining about how hot it was in may i just laughed and questioned them, saying it's gonna get hotter. but there's something supremely unpleasant about walking out your door at near 8a.m. and it already being so uncomfortably thick in the air. i love the fresh cool of morning, and lately, it's just not.

i've got three clients right now with apartments waiting for them. i think i get as excited as them sometimes. it's things like that, and like this afternoon when we drove around looking for any and everyone homeless, on the street, in the woods, under bridges, and giving them water. we all had a sense of urgency about it, too. it's so dangerous for them, and a lot of them just don't take care of themselves, so they stay out in it. we lost a client, potentially to the heat, over the weekend. i was one of the last people to try and engage him. i actually drove him from a respite home back down to the river after and hour and a half of tearful begging for him to stay where he was. my pleading only resulted in him lying next to my car on the sidewalk next to a bush while he waited for me to get his medicines. it's hard; they're adults, and they have the right to make decisions, even if we know better.

i was thinking about that today, and what it might be like to be a parent, and to experience anger at someone you care about only because they're making poor decisions for themselves. but being angry at them won't help them. so i made sure to let go of my anger before meeting up with the one who had incited it.

last weekend i met up with one of my bestest friends. we had such a good weekend. it was a nice mix of doing and not doing, of conversation, coffee and cheeseburgers. i love her so much, and she encouraged me. sometimes just having a really cool friend is encouraging in itself, like, hey, this person is cool and they'll be friends with me! hehe. but i am so thankful for her- and not just because she's cool (and she's the coolest.) and this weekend i'll get to see another friend i cherish, another encouragement in my life. it's friends like these that remind me i am not alone in the way my heart beats, my passions and desires, the things that i want to invest my life and i am convinced of.

lately i've felt very much like, here in this city, there aren't too many who see things the way i do. like i don't see the point of a nice church building, or nice equipment, or a good, aesthetically and experientially pleasing service. i think the church's concern should be God and His people- each generation discipling the generation after it, and all of them working together to reach and love in their communities, and the surrounding ones. i think the church should be seeking God's face, studying scripture, and talking about hard things, and bringing in broken people. i think we should evaluate, together, how we spend our money, where we live, what cars we drive, how we use our resources. i think we should meet and talk about the depth of life- the hard, sometimes sad, sometimes embarrassing things that people don't like to talk about. i am so tired. i don't like feeling like i stay in a church only because i need to be a voice for change, an advocate for the poor, and encouragement to the handful of young people who want something more than comfortable, arm's length from suffering religion. i want more than that. i want to get my hands dirty, to take up my cross, to enter into life and suffering with people, and to share the hope of Jesus with all. i am tired of feeling like i am alone in those desires here in this city. or that i'm distanced from others who feel the same but also feel powerless and discouraged by the predominant comfort gospel that is taught and modeled.

all that not to say that others are wrong or right. or that i'm wrong or right. it's just how i feel. and i know that a lot of why i think things i do is because others have been the voice of change and advocate for the poor in my life, and many of them i've encountered through the church. but i just question how dirty hands can get, or even want to, when they're a good 15 miles from the dirt.