You don't have to move that mountain

I'm reading "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light." I've put it off for a year, afraid of the convicting words I would find inside. It has only been encouragement and caused stirring in my soul. Every few pages I read I am left with food for thought...

"In the silence of the heart, God speaks." (32)

"When I see someone sad, I always think, she is refusing something to Jesus." (33)

"Why does Jesus say, 'I thirst?' What does it mean? Something so hard to explain in words-... 'I thirst' is something much deeper than just Jesus saying 'I love you.' Until you know deep inside that Jesus thirsts for you- you can't begin to know who He wants to be for you. Or who He wants you to be for Him." (42)

"The more we trust Him- the more He will do." (62)

Such simple, profound statements; like her love and work for the Lord.

"But we have this treasure in jars or clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you." 2 Cor. 4:7-12

if she wanna rock she rocks

it's been a good past couple of weekends. and now i'm in the midst of a 3-day-er. wahoo. love that.

in recent history, i ran the flying pig marathon and the cleveland half. two weeks apart. the marathon was great- good weather, lots of friends along the route, and i felt good almost all the way through. i kept waiting for the disabling pain or the massive wall, but neither happened. i really enjoyed the course, too. maybe because it felt homey, maybe because it's beautiful, maybe because there were so many cheering faces, and lots of those familiar. i love races. and then two weeks later i was up in cleveland, running the half with jillian. it was great- beautiful morning and we just enjoyed and took it easy- i was still feeling a lot of leftovers from the marathon. we talked for 13 miles and then rehashed with post-run bagels, which are the best kind of bagel.

after the marathon my foot was hurting pretty bad. someone suggested it could be a fracture, and i panicked, mainly because i didn't want to have to stop running. it has become something i love to do, and in the post-race weeks of rest and recovery i haven't felt quite right, not being able to go out and run in the way i'm so used to now. i am so thankful for it. and i don't think my foot is fractured, which i'm also thankful for :)

boston for the springtime

"If one could run without getting tired, I don't think one would often want to do anything else."
-CS Lewis, The Last Battle

i went to boston this weekend to visit friends and cheer friends on in the boston marathon. i was excited for a reunion and a couple of days away from work and hopefully receiving some inspiration for the marathon i'll be running in just under 2 weeks.

i was definitely inspired! it made me want to run hard and finish well; for my first marathon my goal was solely to finish. this training season has been a difficult one, but the past month or so things have felt better and i have been able to enjoy my runs. being in the race atmosphere and surrounded by the running subculture made me glad for sticking with the training even when i questioned it. for this race i'm going to try running with a pace group at a pace i know i can do, and perhaps be able to speed up towards the end if need be, once i know what i have left. oh i'm excited.

this weekend was one of those times when there was a lot on my brain. i think there's been a lot on my brain for a while now, which is probably partly why i so needed some time away from work. i feel refreshed enough to return to the work i do- i'm so fortunate that i enjoy my coworkers so much. it makes the days bearable when they otherwise may not be. i've been wondering if i'm being called out of this job and into something different. it certainly seems that i am, with all the upcoming changes in my surroundings, as well as the changes within. but in being called out the question is what am i called into?

a few weeks back i was repeatedly hearing the story of the prodigal son. and in it the brother's reaction to his father's celebration seemed to strike me. i felt like i could identify a lot with that brother. he says to his father, "'Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!'" (luke 15:29-30). but the father responds to him, "'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.'" (31)

Richard Foster says that "As we enter the school of inner renunciation we come into that state in which nothing belongs to us and yet everything is available to us." (Money, Sex and Power) i've been asking God to help me understand what that means, that all that is His is ours, and what my part in that is.

and it's been hard to for me to figure out where i stand in what seems to be a discord between obedience and rejoicing. Foster said "Perhaps our fears keep us from the joyful life of trust-we need those who will prod us into faith." we sang an old song this weekend whose words rang in my heart: "one thing i ask, and i would seek, to see your beauty, to find you in the place your glory dwells."

all in all my head spins with questions. what am i called into? what is the most obedient, life-giving thing i can do? i'm really not sure right now. but i'm taking it a day at a time, asking for grace in the midst and that i can do the work set out for me each day.

"'Beloved,' said the Glorious One, 'unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek.'" -Aslan, The Last Battle

i love to laugh

are we different

"Be so careful that you don't spend your life fighting for what you want."
-Francis Chan, Is Suffering Optional

I've had some good running experiences lately. Thursday night I ran and it was so refreshing and needed. It was getting harder and harder to get out with the fierce cold winds blowing and to run for hours. So Thursday was not a long run, and it was about 65 degrees and I felt good. This training has had more bad runs than I've ever had before, which makes me thankful for the good ones. And while running I listened to the podcast I linked above, and it was strange how encouraged I was by it. Because his words were hard and scary, but true. I feel like I'm being taught about suffering, about the way it's spoken of in scripture and what I have to do with it. The first few times I heard things like theologies of suffering and the like, I felt like I was getting punched in the stomach. But I continue to hear it, and ask that I would be convinced as well of the promises that accompany the suffering.

So that was Thursday. Yesterday I had a 17 mile run scheduled, and I get so nervous before those runs. Anything over 13 sounds daunting. And I didn't drink enough water, and had friends over for a breakfast that left me feeling terribly sluggish (although it was good while it lasted:). So my first 5 or 6 miles were just awful. It felt so hot, since last Saturday it was about 60 degrees colder than yesterday. And the bottoms of my feet were numb, and I was so thirsty! Everyone I passed seemed to be carrying a large bottle of water.

Tangent:

I'm reading this book called What is the What, by Dave Eggers. It's about this guy from Sudan who became one of the walking boys when Sudanese villages were attacked by the murahaleen. He walked for months to Ethiopia and has seen an unfathomable amount of terror and tragedy. So I just read the part about their walking, about going through the dessert and not having water or food for days at a time, being so sick and still walking. And it's really troubled me, thinking about little children not having food and water and walking... I got upset the other night when I threw away 3/4 of an onion because I wasn't going to use it, but somewhere in the world it could sustain a life.

So while running, so thirsty and numb feet and already tired but knowing I had about 12 miles to go, I started thinking about the walking boys. And then i started thinking about the beattitudes, blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God, those who mourn for they will be comforted.... And somehow I brought this season of lent into it, too. And thought about how this training has been such a disciplined time for me, and how I have been asking God that He would allow me to run these miles, because there have been several longer runs where I feel incapable. So I started feeling like this time of running can teach me about reliance on God and reflecting on/praying for God's children who suffer daily and involuntarily.

So I was listening to this song that says "You are my joy" over and over again, and I was starting to feel better. My feet were un-numbing and there was wind at my back, and I was coming to the top of a hill that leads to a downgrade. And I look to my right, and there's a water fountain. Oh my goodness I was so happy! And I felt like it was so small, the actual event, but the significance was huge to me.

Later in that same run, about 3 miles from home, I was again crazy thirsty. I went into a UDF and noted no water fountains. So I went into the bathroom and when I washed my hands... I slurped water from the bathroom sink. Heheh. I was desperate.

Oh and I finished the 17.

time keeps moving from a crawl to a run

a few weekends ago i drove to st. louis to visit courtney. the drive down was really beautiful, the world was all snow and ice and the sunset was incredible. i took some pictures from behind the wheel, which never capture the majesty of what you can see with your eyes, but i tried :)

the weather today reminds me of the dementors in harry potter.




i've been tired a lot lately. maybe partly from all the running; i could really go for a massage these days :) but i think too just from what lies ahead. i am facing decisions: moving out, moving on and what that looks like.... and the thought of it, the feeling of needing to be vigilant but also feeling somewhat resigned is an exhausting concoction. one minute i am making decisions with abandon, the next i want none of it. it's funny (in a twisted way) to see how much you appreciate and love when you begin to picture leaving it.

i was talking to a friend one night about a week ago, trying to summon the required something to send an email that could set change in motion. i was talking it out, and began to get way ahead of myself: talking about the logisitics and the realities and the difficulties of the day to day if these changes were to take place. she stopped me mid-thought and asked me if God had given me enough grace to send an email, because that's all i needed to do that day. and He had, and i did, and nothing exploded. i was refreshed and reminded that things are sustained in the day to day, and trying to solve something six months to a year from now that is unseen is fruitless.

i'm still working on not getting ahead of myself :)

be ok

it is about 50 degrees today. and sunny. i joked with a client yesterday about taking advantage of the sunny day; "we only get three of these, you know." but the cold and the gray were starting to feel a bit oppressive, so it's nice to have a bit of relief, even if it's short lived. when it gets to this time of the year, my mind typically wanders to beaches and warm climates.


i was reading donald miller's post about his new puppy and his thoughts during being snowed in. his final thought is this,
"P.S. Before you leave this post thinking you should be more like Lucy, I should disclose Lucy often stares into blank space and barks as though she is looking at a ghost (I call it her Hamlet monologue, often saying back to her “is that a dagger you see before you?”) and she also eats her own poo. Purity comes at a price."
it reminded me of something a friend said a couple nights ago at house church. she was noticing that her dog seemed to sleep more and eat and eat and eat... including her poo... when she had had less excercise and attention. my friend just thought it was interesting, and so did i.

i did early outreach this morning for work... often i wish i had my camera with me while i'm out. this morning the scene that struck me was the roebling bridge set against a soft pink turned pale purpley-blue winter sky and a sliver of a crescent moon off to the side. it was really lovely.

inní mér syngur vitleysingur

it's a new year. has been for about 3 weeks so i thought, if i am to continue my blog, i should probably post something. i tend to post least when there's most on my mind. i get all muddled and can't get out a nice succinct thought, so i refrain. and that's how i am right now- i've got a lot on the brain. so, for now, we'll enjoy a nice photo from the blind lemon, a cozy little bar that i've had many an enjoyable evening in.

Comfy and Cozy are we

"Even the good plans of wise wizards like Gandolf and of good friends like Elrond go astray sometimes when you are off on dangerous adventures over the Edge of the Wild." -The Hobbit

I just never know when the mood to blog will hit. So, here I sit, fully dressed for my run, and a bit sidetracked. Lucky for me the middle of the day is warmest this time of year :) I'm trying to up my running, distance (and maybe speed, if I'm truly diligent) in preparation for a spring marathon. And I mean it this time, heheh.

I've been home from Thailand for a little less than two weeks. The longer I'm home, the more the trip becomes fond memories, and I find myself missing things that I didn't even acknowledge as significant. Statements like "the grass is always greener," and "you always want what you don't have" really embody themselves in me :) It's not a deep, take me back there nostalgia, but more of a surprising, I never thought I would miss that, type feeling. I'm sure a part of that has to do with spending 24 hours a day with a true friend, one who you can be with or be alone with, one who shares similar thoughts and feelings about things, so whether you say it or not, you know they're thinking it. So nice.

So, all in all, it was a great trip. We had no expectations, but there were hopes, like the trip being good, and it was. The day I left, my roommate prayed for me and the trip. She said she didn't really know how to pray for it, but asked that I would feel God's love for me and that it would be whatever it needed to. Such a simple prayer, but so meaningful to me. On one of our layovers Jill and I reflected on the idea that both of us feel God's love for others fairly naturally, but His love for us is something more known than felt consistently. It was an interesting realization and a wondering of how to, or if you can, go about finding that feeling.

I think that God did reveal His love for us in this time. It was different than I have previously felt, and less of an experience... more of a constant peace and reassurance. I felt His love through His provision. During the trip things were really vague; day to day we'd wake and wonder what was in store. And halfway through we experienced a slight setback when the airport was besieged by protesters and shut down indefinitely, stranding us in Bangkok. I ended up missing 7 days of work and our 11 day trip in Thailand became 22. But God met unanticipated needs that kept our frustrations and panics at bay. I had a precious friend, a merciful employer and a gracious host family, as well as loved ones from home offering everything from money to overnight shipment of books and underwear :)

So my fresh from the trip takeaway is a refreshed perspective of God's love for me as well as a renewed love for things here, where I am for now. I've been starry eyed about cold runs and being cussed out by my clients, and look forward to a Holiday season with my family (including a late Thanksgiving Day dinner!) and spending time with friends I love.

Huzzah for time away :) I highly recommend entrapment.

A Thai Adventure

you mus' not know

Jigsaw falling into place

In 23 days I'll be beginning the multiple flights with the end destination of Chiang Mai, Thailand. I'll be traveling with one of my dearest friends, Jill. She and I both spent time overseas during the same season, and often daydreamed about what it would be like to be working together in those faraway places. We'll be traveling for 2 weeks, visiting ministries and hopefully doing a little sightseeing. We'll be staying in a home for mothers and children as well as a guest house in Bangkok, where we'll hopefully be able to visit some street-style/relational ministries.

I've wanted to see Asia for a while now, and I'm not entirely sure why. I have friends that simply love it, and it makes me think I would too. This trip has been a while in the making, maybe a year long process of daydream turned reality. And Thailand has kind of chosen us: we contacted a number of ministries in Southeast Asia and received only one response from those contacts. So to Thailand we will go!

I like to look at this opportunity as a way not only to explore and allow God to show me what He seems to be trying to, but also to encourage those ministries that exist in those hard places.

This is one of those things that is a part of the jigsaw, I think. I don't know what to expect from this trip and haven't formed an agenda for the time as far as what will come out of it. But I'm excited for the opportunity and doing my best to abide in Him and know that whatever the outcome, apart from Him I can't do anything.

if you want me to...

this past weekend my rooms and i went to akron to visit our dear friend, jill. it was a weekend of celebrating fall and friendship and i came home refreshed. on friday afternoon i got a text from jill asking if i was interested in going for a run on saturday, which i was. she then asked how i would feel if it were to be a part of the akron marathon :) apparently her family had planned to run the marathon as a relay team and no one but her brother was prepared. so, we quickly assembled a 5 person relay and did it! it was fun to run a race again, i hadn't since last october, and i'd never run a relay... it's definitely more complicated but provides a fun "communal" aspect to things. and it was a lovely day. so, all in all, good times in akron.

on sunday morning we visited the church jill is a part of and they had a guest speak, tom randall. his message was so encouraging and challenging that i wanted to share it. or listen here. perhaps it was one of those things where what someone is saying is relevant to me but not to you, but i'm not sure... everyone i was sitting with was able to identify their risk afterward. so, listen in and let's get risky. i think you cyclists will enjoy it, he has a cool riding story :)

hearing tom speak made me think of what it would be like to receive letters from paul as a church. how inspiring it is to hear stories of what God is doing in the life of a friend who has chosen to follow Him closely and take risks that perhaps others haven't. i'm reading Life on the Vine by Philip Kenneson in house church and just finished the chapter on joy. he talks about God's people pursuing something different than what the culture says will make you happy. and he talks about re-imagining life according to scripture.
he says,
"I am firmly convinced that one of the greatest obstacles to living the Christian life in contemporary society is an impoverished imagination. Most of us will find it difficult to live a life we cannot imagine. (This, by the way, is the same principle that makes advertising so effective: ads help you imagine what your life would be like with such and such a product.) But how will we imagine a life different from the one we are currently living if we do not immerse ourselves in a different set of narratives that display life and its purposes differently?" p.76

perhaps this all just speaks loudly to what i've been thinking about and working through. perhaps it is something we are always working through.

oh, what is love?

Kim Taylor has a new album. Check it out here... specifically "Lamb."

i am not skilled to understand

"That walk I now remembered. It seemed to me that I had tasted heaven then. If only such a moment could return! But what I never realized was that it had returned-that the remembering of that walk was itself a new experience of just the same kind. True, it was desire, not possession. But then what I had felt on the walk had also been desire, and only possession in so far as that kind of desire is itself desirable, is the fullest possession we can know on earth; or rather, because the very nature of Joy makes nonsense of our common distinction between having and wanting. There, to have is to want and to want is to have. Thus, the very moment when I longed to be so stabbed again, was itself again such a stabbing."
-Surprised by Joy, C.S. Lewis

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.
John 15:9-11

i am a poster girl with no poster

i had a birthday last week. birthdays are not very much fun as a grown up, i've decided. i did much the same thing on "my day" as any other day: spent some time checking someone into the emergency room, meeting someone on the psych floor and telling someone to stop eating out of the trash and here is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. i did go to house church, which ended up being a wonderful end to a very normal day. our group has "birthday prayers," where we pray silently for the birthday individual for a while, and then we come back together to share what we prayed, thought, pictured in that time. and those things are written in a card to remember.

one of the most significant prayers/pictures that a friend shared began with this verse:
"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Phil. 4:4-7
and then she said she pictured me running hard after something... what she wasn't sure.
i hope that that is true of this next year, that i run hard after the Lord and that i rejoice and am reasonable and that i am not anxious but prayerful. doesn't that sound nice? :)

i also had a pre-birthday dinner with my family and a post-birthday dinner with friends. overall, combined with well wishes and prayers for another year of life, my birthday was quite lovely, and i felt so thankful for the relationships i've been given.


i also went to lake cumberland for the weekend. my friend meredith's parents have a condo there. meredith left for heaven in april, and we haven't seen her family since her memorial service. so the weekend was a good chance to love and encourage her parents and husband and to enjoy one another. the weather's been amazing lately, and i was with three of my dearest friends, so it was a delightful time. it was hard to be somewhere and physically feel mere's absence- since she'd lived in south carolina and indiana since we've graduated, i didn't see her frequently. but to be among people who naturally were associated with her, it was a very clear void. we were able to remember a lot, and grieve and share together, and hopefully to heal and grow.

so, on with another year of lessons and growing pains and sorrows and joys. let it be so.

Stronger

so i saw this last night. so cool.


my roomie and i watched the so you think you can dance finale and harry potter. it was a genius night of entertainment :)
i'm looking forward to a weekend with friends. i was pretty exhausted by the end of the day today- sometimes the weeks are so draining, and i got good and yelled at yesterday afternoon by a man i'd never met who blamed me for all of the structural injustices that exist in social services... so, needless to say, i was ready for a weekend.
a friend from high school will be in cinci tomorrow night and we're all going to a reds' game. and then sunday jess and i are headed to columbus to see our beloved jilleybean.
should be a good weekend. and the amazing weather can't hurt! it makes me excited for fall.


"Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy." -Albus Dumbledore

lightness has a call that's hard to hear

"Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward." -Kierkegaard

"'What if, you know, if we just give in to it, and say this is what it is, then it gets good, and it's the fighting it that makes it so bad.'" p.192
...
"'Maybe we are just supposed to trust that (God) won't beat us up when we get there. Maybe we are supposed to trust that He is good.'" p.193
...
"...when you only ask how and never ask why, you can be happy and ignorant." p.194
-Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts

"Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it"
"Closer to Fine." Indigo Girls

check out The Weepies' song "Simple Life." simply delightful.

i watched bella the other night. i think it is now one of my favorite movies... so beautiful, the colors, the emotions, i loved it. i'd seen almost all of it about a month ago, but i watched the whole thing tonight and it's wonderful.

two weekends ago i attended a training weekend for the organization servants to asia's urban poor. it was refreshing, and the pieces seem to be coming together. it was so nice to realize i do want to live like this! and to be told that that is not exactly a typical reaction.... to know that it really is something i've been called to. plus i made lots of new friends, which is always fun.

i bought a bicycle! i think it is pretty dang cute.

i've been housesitting for a week. it's made me think two things: i never want to live in a suburb again and i never want to have a big house. it's so much effort! i can't wait to get back to my little apartment.

apologies for this being all over the place. it's been a while :)

i'm a new soul

My Courtney MeMe'd me... I love her.

Here are the rules:
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

***

1. I fixate on misspellings and misused apostrophes.
2. I wish that life had background music... like in the movies.
3. I used to want to be a fashion buyer, hence the marketing degree.
4. I used to tell my younger sister that commercials fast forwarded if they were on mute.
5. I had the flu in college and during my sickness I wondered if all of my housemates were actually bits of me- like multiple personalities.
6. I am very smell-oriented.
7. I got my nose pierced 2 months after I adamantly said I would never do anything of the sort.

I MeMe Ashlyn, Abby and Emily. I think everyone else has already done it. :)

turn off the car, breathe the air...

hmm....