food glorious food

i hate when i close at work and i come home hungry. it's so bad to eat at midnight, and the only things that ever sound good are not particularly healthful.

i made an appointment to get my hair cut. i'm bored with it. any suggestions? maybe i'll be daring. this time last year i was daring and regretted, oh, for about 6 months.

The Divine Conspiracy is really good, if you were wondering.

i'm over halfway through Anna Karenina, and it's really good too. i need to try and just read one book at a time.

clearly i have nothing of substance to post.

measure in love

welp, i "signed my life away" so to speak this afternoon. and i am excited. i am now the pleased renter of apt #3 on minot avenue. it's the cutest little place, just right for 2 girls under 5'3" :) (seriously, the doorways and the shower wouldn't be conducive to anyone taller.) so that's pretty big.

the other day i was with a friend from work, and she was asking me what i'm doing. what're my plans? going back to school? management? a different job? questions like that are so hard for me, cuz i feel like such a lump answering them... well, no, i'm not looking for a better job and no i don't want to go to grad school. or i feel like a mystic... i feel like i'm supposed to wait and this is where i'm supposed to be right now. so i got all worked up about that: what AM i doing? i need to get moving on SOMETHING!

then this morning i sat in on the class for high schoolers, and the lesson was on serving an audience of one. what a lovely reminder. all the things i feel pressure to do, to have answers for that i don't right now, are pressures i put on myself to please other people. i'm worried about what my life looks like to others; and not in terms of if they see Jesus, but i don't want them to see a loser, or a slacker, or a willy nilly silly girl :) but, i really do feel like this is right right now. trust me, me and God have plenty of talks about what the heck is going on in my life. but he keeps reassuring me and giving me peace and patience, and he keeps lighting that fire in me, giving me glimpses of what's to come.

in the words of jars of clay, Jesus' blood never failed me yet. :)

mais que nada

highlights of the day:
-helping with a "vbs" for african refugee kids. hearing them speak their languages. being hung from, having my hair pulled every which way, my nose ring pulled out, things thrown at my head. seriously, it was glorious.
-working at a starbucks other than my own and it going well and fast
-meeting a brasilian man and getting to talk to him for a minute
-singing at the top of my lungs to patty's "chief"... especially the part where she says i wish that you could see me when i'm flying in my dreams, the way i laugh, the way i flyyyyy...

in summation, a meaningful day.

my hips don't lie

classic friends quote:
"rachel, no you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. it did not taste good."

and it was good to be alive

sometimes i let situations dictate if i'm happy or sad.

i need to just enjoy this time in life.

one fun development is my moving out of my house :) i'm a little nervous because money'll be tight, but i'm looking forward to living out the lifestyle decisions i made while in rio. and i'm excited to be an independent woman (throw your hands up at me). we're gonna hopefully look at places next week. we shall see!

a girl at work today had written me a card. it was so sweet. i'm really enjoying my job, hanging out with coworkers outside of work and things. i have starbucks friends :)

life is so weird.

rows and rows of big dark clouds

oh how i love me a summer storm.
i love how my dog gets scared and follows me around, shaking and barely wimpering.
i love the colors of the sky and the urge in me to find a hoodie sweatshirt and a thick book and take advantage of this moment.
i love the feeling of warm air and cool mist from the hard rain, the sounds of thunder and rain hitting my windows.

the air i breathe

Isaiah 30:18-21
But the Lord still waits for you to come to him so he can show you love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them.

O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will be gracious if you ask for help. He will respond instantly to the sound of your cries. Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and affliction for drink. He will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes, and hear a voice say, 'This is the way; turn around and walk here.'

John 6:5,6
Jesus soon saw a great crowd of people climbing the hill, looking for him. Turning to Philip, he asked, 'Philip, where can we buy bread to feed all these people?' He was testing Philip, for he already knew what he was going to do.

I was encouraged/challenged by these words today.

let's talk

so in the past week i've gotten a flat tire and spilled burning hot soup in my lap. apparently i'm more accident-prone as of late.

in other news, i got a new book today, which i couldn't resist cracking open. (i LOVE new books.)

From The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard:
"Jesus and his words have never belonged to the categories of dogma or law, and to read them as if they did is simply to miss them. They are essentially subversive of established arrangements and ways of thinking."

"(Jesus' words) invade our 'real' world with a reality even more real than it is...."

i see a generation rising up...

... no longer accepting lies,
running to the battlefield
they're losing their lives

i see a generation rising up,
no longer accepting lies,
as the band of worshippers runs to the battlefield
they're finding their lives,
finding their lives...

there's a song by bethany dillon, a voice calling out, that hits me at the heart every time i hear it. lately i've been listening to that song, i don't know if it's to remind myself or what.

this morning i was about ready to hop on a plane to africa or asia or wherever. for a few reasons.
the past couple weeks i've sat in on a class for high schoolers, and they're going through a curriculum done by International Justice Mission, an organization that rescues the poor and oppressed from situations they would otherwise be trapped in indefinitely. this curriculum is really neat i think, because it tells the stark truth of suffering around the world-kids trapped in slave labor, girls in prostitution, corrupt police beating innocent people, the list goes on.... so i watched the video this week with them, and heard the things the book discusses, and my heart pounds and my mind races with the opportunity this lesson presents to raise up a generation of people who won't ignore the hurting, who won't get wrapped up in things and comfort and see the hurting as far away and foreign. but then the video ends and life goes on.

and the thing is, i wasn't where i am when i was in high school. i wasn't where i am a year ago. but it's still frustrating to me to feel so intensely about something, to want to make it real for others so they understand that these are real people too, that they need our prayers, they need our God, but to feel so stifled by the seeming discomfort that intensity raises in people. i need the grace to be an advocate for the people God has broken my heart for, because i think that's what i should be doing while i'm here.

yesterday i was working with a friend who is an activist. she had left the water running, and i semi-teasingly asked out loud who'd left the water running while there are children dying of no water in africa. she responded that there's always a drought in africa and that she's more worried about things like oil and the u.s. addiction to it. it was hard for me to see how someone could consider the oil "crisis" more serious than children dying because they're thirsty. but it's far away, and we don't know those children, have never seen those children, and it's on the news all the time. we're so numb to the horrible truth of poverty around the world.

then the sermon this morning, given by a missionary in the dominican republic, spoke about sacrifice and generosity. he said the biggest danger for christians in america is prosperity.

so all of these things are swirling around in my head, and i feel so guilty being here, hearing about what i know goes on abroad. it makes me desire to live my life in this time as faithfully and obediently as possible, to not neglect God's plan for me in this time just because i'm not living in a slum in another country. so i keep asking God to show me how he wants me to use my time here.

sometimes i am all over the place.

there's always time

it's been a while. and i really have nothing to say. i just felt neglectful and took action. so that's what this is. the police never came, by the way, to investigate the fire. i've had two very summery days-hanging out with friends, going out for lunch and dinner, relaxing at the poo... (i know i left the l off.) so yeah, that's about it.

:)

no we didn't light it

but we tried to fight it... :)

hahaha so i was making a delicious dinner when the burner on the stove started smoking a lot and eventuallly became orange flames. at first i was like, don't worry dad, i cooked over flames in rio all the time, and turned off the burner... but the flames continued. and then we were like how do we put out a stove top fire? so my dad sprays water on it. oh dad... that's the last thing you should do. so the flames grow higher. i suggest baking soda; my dad puts a lid over the fire to suffocate it.... i pick up the phone and begin dialing 911 as the flames increase, just to ask how to put out this little fire. cuz i would hate for the house to explode with the wrong move. some girls at miami had a major house fire that started with a burner. so as the phone starts ringing my dad decides to try the baking soda. within seconds the fire is out, i hang up the phone and move on. 911 calls me back wondering why i hung up. so now the police are on their way to see the stupid girl who called 911 because her burner caught fire. i am so lame.

what we take from this is what we'll get

i hip hopped it up tonight. what a fun and humorous hour it is each week. plus i get a little cardiovascular workout, which doesn't hurt. i also spent a good portion of the day at a coffee shop with a friend. fun times. we got to talking about life and stuff-how we are and all that. i am just so confused. i need someone to tell me either a) what to do or b) what i'm waiting for; because i don't know either and feel mostly useless. this song came on when i was running today that got me all pumped up, partly cuz it's fast and partly cuz the words just hit me right every time.

This Week the Trend
Relient K

And this week the trend
was to not wake up till 3pm
I picked the few conscious hours that I chose to spend
and slept away the rest of them

and this week the trend
was to crash and burn and then return again
to practice the life that I pretend
provides enough to get me through the weekend

so I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
and now it's this minute, this hour, this day

And this week the trend
was to backstab every single one of my friends
and leave a voicemail message trying to make amends
all the while hoping things work out in the end

and this week the trend
was to borrow all the strength that you could lend
to keep my head above the water and not descend
back to where I said I'd never go again

So I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
but after this day it's this week all over again

And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up
cause I know that I don't want to die
sitting around watching my life go by
and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet
because all of us are all too stuck
strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up

sos please someone help me...

erm, so i just got off work and am pretty much wide awake. looks like a potentially early morning bedtime for this girl. what a fun night i had at work... i love working with fun people. we sang, danced, talked in weird innacurate accents, and got out 20 minutes early! and now i am home, sitting here, wondering what to do with myself at 12:30 and WIRED. guess that's what you get working at a coffee shop. hmm.

other than that... i got nothin'.

I especially am slow

it's been a good week thus far. yesterday was the first day of summer. unfortunately i didn't realize this until i got to work at 3 and was stuck there until 11:30... i think i would have liked to do something summery, like swim, in honor of the day. oh well, i have most of the other days of summer still to come.

i have potentially found a volunteer opportunity helping with refugee resettlement, which i'm excited about. i have a couple friends who have done so in other cities and really loved it, so here's hopin', but if that doesn't work out, something else will. i feel like i keep having to remind myself of that with every little thing... my mind gets going and runs away with the littlest things, or big things, and i just have to say, "Jesus, I surrender it." and move on. it's been really refreshing to take this position with things i worry about; then i really can't sit around and try and figure out how i can make something happen or how i can work it out.... i am left to completely rely on Jesus. so i am currently trusting that things with jobs, serving, potentially moving out, life in general, will be right in the right time. until then, i surrender it.

i got the Cry yesterday, Word Made Flesh's advocacy journal. and two nights ago while looking for volunteer stuff i happened upon Amnesty International's website. What wonderful reminders of what makes my heart beat fast, of what makes my soul yearn to be a part of. i feel like God is gearing me up, reminding me of what he's revealed. don't forget them, he keeps saying. someday i'll be there again, and until then i pray for them and those who are there with them, representing Jesus.

turn the whole thing upside down

well friends, i've got my pictures uploaded. so, here's a couple from my time in sunny florida...


















and some from mere's wedding!

going to the chapel

this has been an extremely fun weekend of celebration and being around friends i love and haven't spent time with in a while. i even got to see some friends i haven't seen in years. my friend meredith got married last night- and what a party it was. the photographer said he'd never been to a better wedding. it really was perfect, from start to finish, including the days leading up. the weather was beautiful, the festivities were lighthearted with lots of laughing and memories (meredith evokes both), and the wedding itself was i think exactly the way God wanted it-focused on him and a true testament to real love. i plan on putting some pics up, but i can't seem to find the cord that connects my camera to my computer. so maybe next time.

i think another great thing about this weekend was that it really was a celebration. meredith was diagnosed with colon cancer three weeks ago and it's very advanced. she began chemo two weeks ago and starts back this week with aggressive treatments. the weekend had no underlying "meredith's sick" feel to it, which i am so thankful for. i think probably partly because when you're around her you forget she's sick. she's just very meredith.

so pray for mere and justin as they begin the exciting time of their life together, and for mere's miraculous healing.

When you do not know you know

I heard this song on my way home from work today. I thought it was interesting. The artisit's name is Mason Jennings. It's called Jesus Are You Real. (I don't think these lyrics are all right-I got them off of a random website, but you get the idea.)


Jesus are you real,
did we make you what
is salvation what you want or
is faith enough
do you know where I'm bound
or who I am
are you just a word I use
but don't understand,

Standing like a statue in the sea
in a little truckstop in Tennessee
and bombs are crashing down in waves
on a giant TV screen
and I am struck I cannot move
to make it stop what can I do
people are dying in their beds
while this flag flies over my head.

Jesus are you stronger than a loaded gun
I'm beginning to believe your're not the only one
strong enough to show your love
strong enough to give
strong enough to go through hell
strong enough to live

and all night I sat with you
in a darkened hospital room
and nurses checked in by the hour
I was made aware of a higher power
and how this fragile life is not ours to keep
but ours to give,
what in the world am I gonna do
if anything should happen to you

refrain
and all I do is doubt you God
all I do is love you God
all I do is question you
what else can I do
this world was never solid ground
the past is coming back around
all I do is search for you,
what else can I do?
and when I say I search for you
I mean I search for peace
I search for hope
I search for love
and one day for release

Jesus my life does not feel the same
new things happen everyday
things I can't explain
but I am not a man of faith
I'm a man of truth
but is this feeling in my heart
is this feeling proof

when you do not know you know
when you know you do not know
and when you think you do you die
and when you do not think you grow
are we left here in the dark
or are we left here in the dark
it seems to me that both are true
and its up to us to know what's right

Refrain

God give me strength to accept the things
that I just cannot know
and even when I lose control I will not let you go

there's no other way

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

I find myself again and again clinging to this promise. In all different seasons of my life, in various circumstances, these words remind me to trust, and surrender. I've been re-learning the trust/surrender lesson lately. I've been frustrated because I've been home from Rio for six months, and all I've got to show for it is my green starbucks apron. But when I get all bent out of shape about where I am, I find God telling me to wait. I know I'm being prepared for something. I feel myself needing to pray for something I don't know about, something that the spirit in me knows is right, and I don't even know what that is. It's like in Romans, when Paul says we don't know what to pray for but the holy spirit intercedes, that it groans, expressing things we can't put into words. I feel that way with several things in my life right now, with myself, and with the lives of friends, that my prayers have moved beyond my having words for them, that I just have to ask God to listen to my heart.

It's an awe-inspiring thing to me sometimes, to think that God listens to me and has a hopeful future set for me. Even after all these years and all my crumminess. I often feel guilty asking God for things my heart desires, because I don't deserve them. And i don't understand how my life is so beautiful and blessed, and I see the lives of others that are filled with such suffering and hurt. Why do I have so much love and comfort in my life? What does God plan to do with me, the way he has shaped me and placed me in this position and given me the passions and desires he has?

See I told you I had a lot of thinking time. ;)

long ride home

i'm home! and even with the rainy 60 degree weather, i'm happy to be home. there's a slight independence-less feeling, being on family vacation.

i had a lot of thinking time-on the rides to and from, and just lazing on the beach. it was overwhelming at times, thinking about everything that's going on in my life and the lives of friends. but i think it was good introspective time. we had beautful weather, and the beach in siesta key is so nice. i'll have some pictures soon i think. i got to read, talk to people, sleep :) it was good.

now back to life, but only for a few days before heading to muncie for my dear muffrey's wedding!! i'm excited about that. a grand ole time is to be had.

open road song

i'm traveling to florida tonight to stay for a week with my family in a friend's place. i'm excited for rest, sun, ocean and lots of reading. perhaps i'll catch up on my correspondence.

see you all when i get back.