the leaves are green and new like a baby

three months isn't too long, is it?

today i received a hug from a 77 year old man who had been dumpster diving only moments before. and a kiss. (on the cheek, thank goodness). and two hawaiian punch-covered daffodils.

i was wondering what Jesus would think of him; how he would react to being in close proximity to this smelly little man who had no problem showing us some strange itchy rash on his shin. i was wondering when i look like this to Jesus?

it isn't okay for a 77 year old man to be dumpster diving.

i've just been thinking about him all day. and itching.

in time the snow will rise in time the Lord will rise

Last night I had friends over and we frosted Christmas cookies and watched Elf and enjoyed eachother. There are so many things I am thankful for during Christmas, like music and lights and being with friends and family. I remember last year on Christmas Eve being struck by how Christmas is a sad time for a lot of people- people that are suffering; have lost someone at this time of year that was close to them, parents that can't give their kids gifts, people that Christmas only means being alone and cold and hungry.... I remember sitting in my mom's backseat after my sister was talking about a friend of hers who was having her first Christmas without her mom, and I just sat there and cried. But then I remembered what Christmas really was- what the thing is that gets pushed behind the presents and trees and lights- the hope that is in God becoming man, becoming helpless and humble to know and experience what we do. I am so thankful for that hope.

I had an interview the other day with a job that seems too good to be true. I'm praying it's not. :)

I saw Over the Rhine's Christmas concert last weekend and it was lovely, and then two days later they came to find me at Starbucks! (They heard I make the best gingerbread latte in town.) Just kidding. But they did come in.

A new year is on it's way. I can't believe it. I feel like Karen and Linford put it well....
Happy Christmas.

Darlin’ (Christmas Is Coming)
(Words and Music: Detweiler)

So it’s been a long year
Every new day brings one more tear
Till there’s nothing left to cry

My, my how time flies
Like little children hiding their eyes
We’ll make it disappear
Let’s start a brand new year

Darlin’ Christmas is coming
Salvation army bells are ringing
Darlin’ Christmas is coming
Do you believe in angels singing
Darlin’ the snow is falling
Falling like forgiveness from the sky

If I could have anything
What would I want this new year to bring
Well, I’d want you here with me

Tear these thorns from my heart
Help the healing to start
Let’s set this old world free
Let’s start with you and me

snowflakes in the air, carols everywhere

once again, it's been too long. i missed thanksgiving. it was so good. i ran the thanksgiving day race, spent the afternoon with family and the evening with friends.

i can't believe i haven't posted since i went to boston. that seems like forever ago. that's the thing about this year. time is flying, but everything seems like so long ago. strange.

i had an interview today. it was fine i guess, except that i was wondering most of the time if i should just stop wasting the girl's time and tell her i really don't like what i'm hearing please let me leave. but i stuck it out and rejoiced when her superior was not available to meet with me.

it snow flurried this morning. it was glittery and beautiful. i'm excited for winter and Christmassy things like decorating my apartment and winter coats and scarves.

i drove to new york, in a van, with my friend

actually in a car, with my friendS.

roadtrips are blogworthy. apparently the innnerworkings of the coffee shop life aren't.

i went to boston and new york this past weekend to see kendra with a few friends. we flew with buddy passes, which was pretty sweet. boston's beautiful and hanging out with old and new friends and wandering through these cool cities was so fun. we went to rockport in boston which is so picturesque and visited downtown boston and went to ny to see the marathon. good times.

it's things like this past weekend that make me happy for the way things are right now. it's such a blessing to be able to travel around with friends and see sights. especially pretty ones like these :)

it could bend or it could break

i am a below average blog poster. i don't know when it happened; i used to be pretty good about posting. probably a combination of shaky internet connections and less time has made me said below average poster. i'm alright with it, though.

last weekend i went to st. louis. it was so wonderful-and sad when it ended. what a fun group it was; we wandered from coffee shop to restaurant to some other funky little shop and back to court's apartment. it was good hangout and reunion time. i got to see jara, who i haven't seen in a year. i didn't feel like it, though. and it was so fun to celebrate courtney's birthday and just be with her again. and the road trip was fun. good times.




i'm working ten days in a row. i'm almost halfway through. i think once i'm through the weekend it's all down hill. come on, monday morning.

i'm trying to decide what to do with myself. it's really hard. the coffee shop life is becoming more monotonous than anything else. i feel like i have nothing compelling me. or maybe i do, i just am not finding things that fit what i want. this is a strange time in life. i feel stagnant, but also not. what should i be doing with my time? what could i have done differently today? am i being selfish with my time? i think i am to an extent. but it's so hard to do things alone. i'm overwhlemed by time and opportunity right now. and lack of direction. i guess it could be worse :)

it's the little things that seem to be getting me today

i thanked some woman for drawing my blood yesterday. what a strange thing to thank someone for. she was wearing a shirt that read, "i Vant to draw your bloood." clever :)

it's been a while, i know. i have the best of intentions, and keep thinking i should sit down and write on here, but then i think of something else i could do. plus my internet's a little shaky, but that'll be remedied as soon as i figure out my new router's password.

things are good. i think that's what keeps me from writing on here. work is keeping me busy (sometimes a little too), and i've had some things like a brasilian visitor and small group activities that keep things going. i had the opportunity to go to thailand and cambodia a couple weeks ago, or i had to make the decision a couple weeks ago, and that was a hard thing. it was the strangest thing to realize i actually didn't want to go. after all this time of feeling like all i wanna do is get outta town, and i turn down this opportunity. but i've felt really good about my decision. i think it's taken so long to be content here, and i was worried that was the same as comfort, but i don't think it is. and i finally am content; i really love where i'm living, i love my little group of friends, and i like the freedom and opportunity i feel in this time. some days i like it less, and the unkown seems overwhelming and suffocating, but more than that these days i'm trying to just take each day for what it is and make the most of it. i've started thinking about going back to school. when i talk to people about that the response is encouraging.

i love my little place. i love that i get to make it mine, to clean it and make it feel homey- it's fun cooking and hanging out and hosting people here. this weekend one night i didn't stay here, and i missed it and longed to be back here. what a good feeling. i told court i would put up some new pics of the apt, now that it's a little more lived in. come visit!

freedom hangs like heaven over everyone

it's monday, but saturday for me. that's one of the minuses of an unusual job: unsual hours/days. so my weekend this week is monday and wednesday. i'm excited for having the whole day to get things done. even on days when i open and am off by 2, i need time to recover, which ends up cutting more time out of the day.

the apt is coming along. we've been doing little decorative and finishing touch type things the past week, and each little thing makes it more like home and more pleasant to come back to at the end of the day. i'm still overwhelmed with time on my hands, even on days that i work, and i'm trying to figure out things to do with my time so i feel less like i'm just killing time between shifts. there were a couple nights last week when i felt like jennifer lopez in the wedding planner when she comes back to her quiet apartment at the end of her work day and prepares a nice meal and sits down with her tv tray in front of the tv to have her lonely dinner. ha. i never really watched tv before i moved here, but there's something about the quiet and even a couple hours alone that lands me there, watching sitcoms on dvd. sad. haha.

having so much alone time has made me a better runner, in that i find myself with nothing else to do, so i do it. and my town is cute to run in.

i'm not really down today, but that's what seems to be coming out. so i'll just leave it at that, and try to be more upbeat next time. happy day.

so let go, jump in

the hardest things about roadtrips are a) unpacking and b) battling the semis on the highways... especially in the rain.
but those things don't hold a candle to the reason for the road trip. i got to hang out with courtney this weekend in her new city, and i must say we really did make the most of it. we had good talks, saw good music, had coffee and pizza and cheeseburgers (not all at once), went for walks and talked lots. it was so good.

i just watched garden state with my roommate, jess. i love that movie so much.

i love the part where andrew says to albert, "hey albert, good luck exploring the infinite abyss." and then albert's like, "you too."

in small group we're studying acts. the first thing that stood out to me when i read it, and came up in discussion tonight, is in verses 4 and 5 of chapter 1. Jesus tells his disciples not to leave Jerusalem, but to wait. He tells them in a few days they'll receive the Holy Spirit and then be able to be witnesses around the world. to me it translated into my life in terms of waiting for whatever it is i'm waiting for, and being prepared for, and just kind of showed that even Jesus wasn't like, "hurry up and get out of town, what are you waiting for?!" i like that.

i leave you tonight with a quote from serendipity... a great fall film to watch with your dear friend while eating brownies.
"Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, it is a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan."

changes come

my life has been defined by change as of late. nothing too big; but change nonetheless. there's of course the moving out of my parent's house, and i was promoted at work and have been learning all that new stuff. i got my keys to the store today. it felt important. and some new friends have moved away, and i don't think that would have affected me the same, but with moving out i've felt lonely and keep wondering, who can i call? :)

today i was struck by how thankful i should be for my job, and am not. i have so much fun at work, and usually it goes fast; and now with my promotion i can afford to live, so what more could i want for right now?

i had this major sense of development in the air today after i talked to my friend jill. her, my friend courtney and i are somehow oddly enough doing very similar things (though not intentionally) in different places. it's very interesting. and new opportunities, or exciting ones that we've talked about, have been bringing themselves up recently, and i feel like that's something.

i'm just feeling very thankful today, and happy. and maybe a little tired.

i'm going to st. louie this weekend to visit my dearest courtney. i'm so excited.

room to make the big mistakes

what a past couple of days this has been.

i am officially moved into my new apartment. i'm excited but it's been stressful and annoying packing and toting and unpacking and all that. but i'm hoping it'll be good once i'm settled. it was a fun feeling to come home to my own place with my groceries tonight and my neighbor just stopped by to say hello and welcome us!

here's a couple "before" photos of the new apt. the first is of the movers pulling the couch over the balcony because it wouldn't fit up the stairs. hehe.






i also went to a lake house with some friends this past weekend and got to go to a red's game last week on a beautiful night, and they won!

don'cha

i got back yesterday from a very fun and relaxing weekend in south carolina. i went with three of my friends from school to visit our friend meredith.

jill spilled her chips on the car seat and decided to just eat them.


this is how fast we were going for an hour and a half in an unexplained traffic jam.


and when we finally made it, there were lots of movies and lots of good food including a delicious breakfast prepared by meredith's new hubby! fun times. i love these girls!

thanks for the memory

my 23rd year: a summary.

well, my 23rd year began in a whirlwind of packing and arguing with the brasilian consulate in order to have my visa in time to fly out. i said goodbyes, cried a good bit, and hopped on a plane for one of the best experiences of my life with then strangers who have now become treasured friends. i came home to snow on the ground and an anxious family who didn't realize someone different would step off the plane. i had inner struggles with comfort and the materialism of the holiday season. i started working, my first non-student job, and went slightly wacky. but the wackiness was ameliorated by a now dear friend who shared much of what was constantly on my heart and mind. and then i "co-started" a small group for other confused quarter-lifers, not knowing this group would become my primary social outlet and, also, dear friends :) i began a different job, one that i could enjoy and would feel temporary, and found a volunteer outlet that looks like it may be good.

23 was full of extreme joy and deep sadness of all types. i learned a lot of lessons, about myself, my God, and his people. i changed. i made lots of new friends that i wouldn't be the same without, and grew in relationships with those i already knew and loved. overall, this year was full of the unknown in more ways than most years in the past. it was frustrating a lot and consistently good. i'm thankful for all of it.

i'm hopeful for what 24 will bring.

food glorious food

i hate when i close at work and i come home hungry. it's so bad to eat at midnight, and the only things that ever sound good are not particularly healthful.

i made an appointment to get my hair cut. i'm bored with it. any suggestions? maybe i'll be daring. this time last year i was daring and regretted, oh, for about 6 months.

The Divine Conspiracy is really good, if you were wondering.

i'm over halfway through Anna Karenina, and it's really good too. i need to try and just read one book at a time.

clearly i have nothing of substance to post.

measure in love

welp, i "signed my life away" so to speak this afternoon. and i am excited. i am now the pleased renter of apt #3 on minot avenue. it's the cutest little place, just right for 2 girls under 5'3" :) (seriously, the doorways and the shower wouldn't be conducive to anyone taller.) so that's pretty big.

the other day i was with a friend from work, and she was asking me what i'm doing. what're my plans? going back to school? management? a different job? questions like that are so hard for me, cuz i feel like such a lump answering them... well, no, i'm not looking for a better job and no i don't want to go to grad school. or i feel like a mystic... i feel like i'm supposed to wait and this is where i'm supposed to be right now. so i got all worked up about that: what AM i doing? i need to get moving on SOMETHING!

then this morning i sat in on the class for high schoolers, and the lesson was on serving an audience of one. what a lovely reminder. all the things i feel pressure to do, to have answers for that i don't right now, are pressures i put on myself to please other people. i'm worried about what my life looks like to others; and not in terms of if they see Jesus, but i don't want them to see a loser, or a slacker, or a willy nilly silly girl :) but, i really do feel like this is right right now. trust me, me and God have plenty of talks about what the heck is going on in my life. but he keeps reassuring me and giving me peace and patience, and he keeps lighting that fire in me, giving me glimpses of what's to come.

in the words of jars of clay, Jesus' blood never failed me yet. :)

mais que nada

highlights of the day:
-helping with a "vbs" for african refugee kids. hearing them speak their languages. being hung from, having my hair pulled every which way, my nose ring pulled out, things thrown at my head. seriously, it was glorious.
-working at a starbucks other than my own and it going well and fast
-meeting a brasilian man and getting to talk to him for a minute
-singing at the top of my lungs to patty's "chief"... especially the part where she says i wish that you could see me when i'm flying in my dreams, the way i laugh, the way i flyyyyy...

in summation, a meaningful day.

my hips don't lie

classic friends quote:
"rachel, no you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. it did not taste good."

and it was good to be alive

sometimes i let situations dictate if i'm happy or sad.

i need to just enjoy this time in life.

one fun development is my moving out of my house :) i'm a little nervous because money'll be tight, but i'm looking forward to living out the lifestyle decisions i made while in rio. and i'm excited to be an independent woman (throw your hands up at me). we're gonna hopefully look at places next week. we shall see!

a girl at work today had written me a card. it was so sweet. i'm really enjoying my job, hanging out with coworkers outside of work and things. i have starbucks friends :)

life is so weird.

rows and rows of big dark clouds

oh how i love me a summer storm.
i love how my dog gets scared and follows me around, shaking and barely wimpering.
i love the colors of the sky and the urge in me to find a hoodie sweatshirt and a thick book and take advantage of this moment.
i love the feeling of warm air and cool mist from the hard rain, the sounds of thunder and rain hitting my windows.

the air i breathe

Isaiah 30:18-21
But the Lord still waits for you to come to him so he can show you love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them.

O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will be gracious if you ask for help. He will respond instantly to the sound of your cries. Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and affliction for drink. He will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes, and hear a voice say, 'This is the way; turn around and walk here.'

John 6:5,6
Jesus soon saw a great crowd of people climbing the hill, looking for him. Turning to Philip, he asked, 'Philip, where can we buy bread to feed all these people?' He was testing Philip, for he already knew what he was going to do.

I was encouraged/challenged by these words today.

let's talk

so in the past week i've gotten a flat tire and spilled burning hot soup in my lap. apparently i'm more accident-prone as of late.

in other news, i got a new book today, which i couldn't resist cracking open. (i LOVE new books.)

From The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard:
"Jesus and his words have never belonged to the categories of dogma or law, and to read them as if they did is simply to miss them. They are essentially subversive of established arrangements and ways of thinking."

"(Jesus' words) invade our 'real' world with a reality even more real than it is...."